ModFan Hindsight Foresight

The dust has settled on the Stars/Sharks series, but before we launch into the Conference Final, we’d like to take a moment to think back to how ModFan saw the Sharks/Stars playoff future back in March.

At the time, the Stars were losing and losing and losing and the Sharks were winning and winning and winning. Patty was distraught, watching the Stars lose to the Canucks. This is an actual conversation where her ModFan pals tried to convince her that she should be glad the Stars were tanking. And it turned out they were right.

PATTY: The Stars are losing, just by the Sharks winning. There’s really no point in playing the rest of the games. They’re just fooling themselves.

POOKIE: Poor, poor Patty!

SCHNOOKIE: I’m sorry about the dumb Sharks, Patty. Don’t worry, though — they’re peaking too soon.

PATTY: I’d appreciate it if y’all could beat the Avs, because even though they seem far away from us now, when we’ve dropped to 8th, we’ll need them to have lost a few by then.

SCHNOOKIE: You’re NOT dropping to 8th! Don’t be ridiculous!

PATTY: They just couldn’t leave the team alone when they had everything going for it. I’m seriously thinking of skipping the next game.

SCHNOOKIE: They’re figuring their shit out! If Holmqvist hadn’t started, y’all would have won tonight!

PATTY: EXACTLY! If Smitty had started, we would have won tonight!

SCHNOOKIE: Why couldn’t Turco have started?

PATTY: Because they’re trying to work in a new guy! Tippett has to at least see him once. Just in case the unthinkable happens. But I guess now that Smitty’s gone, the plan is to just forfeit any games that Turco can’t play in. When Smitty was here, we had another goalie for just such an occasion.

POOKIE: Who are they playing next? I’m sure they’ll be fine! They need to lose a few now! You never, ever want your team going into the playoffs on a giant winning streak.

PATTY: Sorry to be such a whiner. I’ve feigned some doom and gloom before, but I’m really feeling it now.

SCHNOOKIE: Hey, don’t apologize for whining! That’s your first right as a sports fan! And as you well know, “Doom & Gloom” is the name of the game as far as I’m concerned.

POOKIE: Katamari your blues away!

PATTY: I’ll be fine. So what if we miss the playoffs! At least I won’t have to watch them get knocked out in the first round again.

SCHNOOKIE: Patty, you are SO not going to miss the playoffs. But really, some Katamari will definitely make you feel better!

KATEBITS: The Stars are going to be okay! They are just saving themselves for the playoffs. The Sharks are going to be so exhausted and feeling so entitled after this stupid run that they will fall flat on their stupid Soupy faces. And then we will laugh and cheer the Stars onto victory!

SCHNOOKIE: And Kate, you’re right — the Stars are doing the “snakes in the grass” approach to going into the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Sharks are preparing their annual disastrous humiliation, but this time they’re doing it with as high a profile as they can possibly put together. Could they be spelling out “GREEK TRAGEDY-SCALE COLLAPSE” any more clearly than they are right now? (And I am NOT kidding when I say I never trust a team that’s hot in March. The Penguins hold the all-time record for longest winning streak, something like 17 consecutive games. In March. In 1993. The year they did not successfully defend their back-to-back Stanley Cup championships. The Devils had something like a 15-game unbeaten streak in March of 2001. The year they did not successfully defend their Stanley Cup championship. You DON’T want to be super-hot in March, because EVERYONE knows, during the regular season, that prolonged winning streaks are always followed by a bit of a funk. A bit of a funk won’t kill you in, say, November. Or, in the Stars’ case, March. But it’s disaster in April. The Sharks are just setting themselves up for hilarious failure.)

POOKIE: Every single year the Sharks dupe everyone into picking them to come out of the West. Finally, though, we’re all wise to them and no one in their right mind would pick them this year. The Sharks figured that out and realized they had to up the ante to get everyone to bandwagon again. Their plan? Win every game from here on out. But the thing is — they’re still the Sharks.

ModFan Gets Glad

The ModFan crew was having a tough time with the playoffs. The Devils went out in the first round to the Rangers, the Stars were trying to squander a 3-0 lead against the Sharks, and the Sabres… well, we all know what happened to them. This conversation took place Sunday morning before the elimination of two of ModFan’s least favorite teams and while we hope we’ve turned a corner, there’s no telling what the Hockey Gods have in store. Here’s how we turned our attitudes around.

HEATHER B: The playoffs are killing my soul. I can’t wait for hockey to be over. I know I’ll be sad in late July when it’s still months away but right now I want it gone.

PATTY: I was so depressed yesterday, I couldn’t get off the couch. I didn’t want to read about hockey, but I didn’t have anything else to do. I couldn’t make myself clean or work in the yard, or even go buy shit (which is usually how I handle it).

POOKIE: I have had little to no desire to read about hockey the last… oh say… three weeks. I’ve been obsessively reading gardening blogs instead. For some reason I’m seeing my level of disinterest reflected in what I’m reading in hockey blogs. I think I’m just projecting this self-fulfilling prophecy that the playoffs suck. It’s been making me sort of miserable. But no longer! Thank you, Playoff Goggles! You’ve saved my life!

HEATHER B: Even my freaking Playoff Goggles are broken! Montreal was an abusive and disastrous combination of last year’s Sabres (regular season juggernaut that drags itself painfully through the postseason) and this year’s Sabres (young, underachieving team). Thanks for nothing, Montreal.

SCHNOOKIE: Hey, I turned a corner with the playoffs yesterday! I’m having fun now! The Red Wings were superhot in their series with the Avs, Morrow and Brad Richards are cooing to my ovaries in the Stars series, I discovered Mike Richards was wearing Chuck Taylors in his ASG portrait (and I finally watched the Flyers videos of them playing with legos and doing the low ropes course during training camp, and let me tell you, there is NOTHING Jason Smith does that ISN’T smoking hott), and I adore Sid and Malkin. That’s a high ratio of things I like going on there! GO PLAYOFFS!

POOKIE: The Caps lost! The Sens were swept! Jagr is showing Shanny, Gomez, and Drury how to handle playoff hockey! Sid and Malkin are snakes in the grass ready to strike! The Stars are AWESOME! There is SO MUCH to be excited about!

HEATHER B: See, I’m not capable of looking at the big picture. I’m living day by day so right now the playoffs are “The Flyers - who were neck and neck with the Sabres almost all season - are in the ECF” and “Brian Campbell scored a dramatic game-tying goal against the Stars.”

I think part of my problem this year is the proliferation of prominent former Sabres who are still in. I’m trying to block out the noise from the media and other fans but it’s hard to ignore that Briere and Biron are in the ECF and Drury and Campbell are still playing. And don’t tell me that two of those guys are playing poorly because details like that don’t matter to Buffalo. They’re playing, we’re not, they would’ve saved our souls had they still been here. Drury and Campbell are likely still going out in this round but again, I just can’t see Big Picture enough to focus on that. I’m a mess.

I don’t know, everything everyone is saying makes perfect sense. I’m just having some kind of fan/blogger breakdown.

KATEBITS: Alright, Heather needs a carefrontation. Heather, I hear you, I really do. The ex-Sabres still playing are HORRIBLE especially since we just went through an ENTIRE season of being told by every media outlet that the Sabres are a depleted shell of their former self. My big thing is that I can’t continue to feel miserable about the Playoffs. I’m a lot less “THE PLAYOFFS ARE GREAT” than the Ookies, but I am REFUSING the misery. I can only allow so much hockey related misery. I have reached my limit for the 2007-08 season. It’s stops here. I’ve drawn a line in the sand.

SCHNOOKIE: I actually had to work very hard to get to the happy place I’m in now. The motivating force for me was that I was tired of listening to myself complain about the playoffs, and if I was tired of listening to myself, I can’t even imagine how awful it was for you guys to listen to me. I mean, they’re half over. They’re not going to suddenly get better without a little work on my part. I wasn’t ready to turn the hockey off, so it was kind of “fish or cut bait” time in my heart. Or something like that.

HEATHER: I’m convinced that the playoffs are going to end really horribly for some reason. It’s like I used up all my positive energy and optimism during the regular season. Now I got nothing.

KATEBITS: Heather, snap out of it! *SPLASH* How can we get you out of this funk? What do you need?

HEATHER B: Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve done this but I might need to play the Glad Game.

PATTY: How do you play, Heather? I’ll play it with you!

HEATHER B: The Glad Game is from Pollyanna. It’s a game that Pollyanna’s dad teaches her. In every situation you find something to be glad about. The harder it is, the more fun! Or so they claim. For example:

The situation: The Stars lost Game Five against the Sharks. I’m secretly a little glad that the Stars got screwed on a No Goal call. (Sorry, Patty. I have to grab onto the Glad wherever it is.)

KATEBITS: Oooh. Harsh, Heather. I’m glad that Soupy has sucked hard enough in the playoffs that no well managed team is going to give him the contract he wants, but that he has played well enough (see G5 tying goal) that some doomed-for-decades team is going to fork over the big bucks.

HEATHER B: GREAT point, Kate. I’m glad that Campbell has been in the playoffs long enough that he’s had plenty of time to say things that are so stupid and asinine that much of Buffalo has come around to being glad he’s gone.

PATTY: I’m glad that the Stars are in the second round. And that they’re still up on the Sharks. I’m (kind of) glad we didn’t sweep the Sharks because we would have been too high to take on the Wings in the next round.

KATEBITS: The situation: The Flyers are still playing. I’m glad that it’s Briere and not Drury *fingers crossed*

HEATHER B: I’m glad Marty Biron is playing well because he’s a great guy who deserves all good things that come his way. I’m glad that a team the Sabres played so well in the regular season is going deep in the playoffs because it might mean that we’re not that far off from being in the same position.

POOKIE: I’m glad I watched the videos of the Flyers doing low-ropes in pre-season. Sami Kapanen can leap over a more-than-waist-height wire in a single bound! That’s so cool!

KATEBITS: Yay! *Pollyannaesque squealing* It’s working! It’s working!

SCHNOOKIE: The Rangers are my weak spot in my newfound “I like the playoffs” resolve, so let me think about some gladness.

*Thinks.

And thinks.

And thinks.

And thinks.*

Right. I’m glad that the fans at MSG get called out by the TV guys every time they boo the Rangers power play. And I’m glad that all those idiots are sitting there chanting “Jagr!” now after booing him mercilessly for the last three years. And I’m glad that Drury injured himself celebrating a non-goal. And if they win, they’ll do it without Avery.

PATTY: I’m glad that Shanahan is on the verge of retirement so I can start forgetting about the douche-iness and remember why I used to like him (he’s funny and he has great hair).

POOKIE: I’m glad that if the Rangers win the Cup it will be because Jagr got them there, not because they’re a young team built for long-term success.

HEATHER B: I’m glad because if the Rangers keep winning Jagr has a good chance of winning the Conn Smythe which automatically ups his contract with the Rangers (and indirectly the Caps) for another season.

SCHNOOKIE: Oooooohhh… I’m SO glad that if the Rangers win, it’ll be at the cost of another year of Jagr on their cap and on DC’s. I can almost see Sather telling the team to tank just so that doesn’t happen.

KATEBITS: Worst Case Scenario: Sharks vs. Rangers for the Cup. I’m glad it’s spring!

PATTY: Does this Glad Game have a winner? Because I think Kate’s trying to cheat and make me lose!

SCHNOOKIE: Yeah, Sharks v. Rangers for the Cup, Rangers winning? I’m glad it’s strawberry season, and my job has started Summer Fridays. And, um… yeah. That’s it. And I’m glad for the Curse of Beating Brodeur. I’m glad that the Devils only have to play the Rangers six times next year instead of eight.

HEATHER B: I’m glad these horrible, effin’ playoffs are almost half over.

SCHNOOKIE: Is it possible to lose the Glad Game?

POOKIE: Heather, you were doing so well there! Now the demons are back! They’re clawing at the wings of our Happiness Machine, threatening to ground it forever!

PATTY: Did Pollyanna imagine horrible situations and then try to be glad about them? Or did she just focus on what was actually happening? Tinkerbell’s starting to flag a little here.

HEATHER: Quick, refocus!

PATTY: I’m glad Brenden Morrow is broadcasting his studliness for all the world to see AFTER he signed a long-term deal for a reasonable amount of money.

POOKIE: That is hot!

KATEBITS: I am glad to have Brenden Morrow’s studliness in my life!

HEATHER B: I’m glad Marty Turco is still in and I’m glad for the opportunity to watch a great stick-handling, puck-controlling goalie.

KATE: I’m glad there is still PLENTY of time for all my hated teams/players to be horribly humiliated.

PATTY: I’m glad that Sid is in and Ovie is out.

KATEBITS: ME TOO!

SCHNOOKIE: ME THREE!!!

POOKIE: ME FOUR!!!!

HEATHER B: I am ALSO glad that Sid is in and Ovie is out. We have a unanimous glad! Somewhere a crippled child is walking again!

POOKIE: I think I see the Brink of Hockey Despair receding into the distance! I think our glad feelings are driving the demons away! It’s working, guys, it’s working!

HEATHER B: Wait.. Something weird is happening. I’m… smiling. And laughing. I’m glad! I’m really, really glad!

PATTY: YAY! *tosses Heather-colored confetti* We’re the Tinkerbell of the playoffs!

To Stupidity and Beyond: Blob Costas Now

Recently on the HBO show “Costas Now” sports writer Buzz Bissinger created quite a storm by turning what could have been an interesting discussion about the emergence of sports blogging and its effect on sports journalism into a three-ring circus…with lots of swearing.

We here at ModFan watched the clip with horror and fascination. Aside from the total train wreck that was Bissinger, it was painful to watch poor Will Leitch (founder of Deadspin) struggle to get a comprehensible word in edgewise against an angry panel. In his defense, he appeared totally blindsided by the wrath of Bissinger. Then there was Costas! He was initially unable to control Buzz, and when things finally settled down, all he managed to bring to the conversation was an inability to distinguish a “blog post” from a “blog comment”. The whole thing was quite insane.

Here at Modfan, we love talking about blogs and how they are portrayed in the mainstream media. It’s, like, our favorite topic ever. So, with the benefit of hindsight, and the unmitigated gall to cast ourselves as the representative of all “sports bloggers”, we have decided to rewrite the entire clip.

This is how the conversation would have gone had WE been the bloggers on the panel.

The role of Bob Costas will be played by Blob Costas, the role of Buzz Bissinger will be portrayed by Buzz Lightyear, and the role of “blogger” will be portrayed by members of ModFan.

***********

[Video montage of pasty, nerdy bloggers in a basement, hunched over their computer keyboards.]

Blob Costas voiceover: Blogs are the unstoppable wave of the future. Anyone can start one. ANYONE! They provide instant access to stats, news, and gossip. What do blogs have to offer? There are some great blogs out there, but often blogs are mean, unpleasant, and poorly written with lots of lies and typos. It’s the Wild Wild West! Only with computers instead of guns! And sports instead of shit that really matters!

[End of montage. Cameras focus on a stage with the panel slouched in their chairs.]

Blob Costas: Welcome to our panel on blogging vs. journalism. Katebits, you’re a hockey blogger, how do you feel your blog contributes to the sports discourse?

Katebits: Well, Blob, I guess when I started blo-

Buzz Lightyear: (interrupting) I THINK YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT! HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF WC HEINZ?! WHAT ABOUT HEINZ?!

Katebits: Mr. Lightyear, I do not think this is the time or the place to discuss ketchup. If you must know, I prefer Hunts to Heinz, but if you want to discuss it further, we should do so off the air. I’m sure that Blob Costas does not want us ruining his show by getting into an argument about condiments.

Buzz Lightyear: AND YOU ADMIT YOU’RE BIASED TOWARDS THE SABRES! YOU’RE AN UNTALENTED, UGLY BITCH and a TERRIBLE JOURNALIST!

Katebits: Alright, that does it. Now you’ve gone too far. NOBODY CALLS ME A JOURNALIST! Yes, I am biased towards the Sabres. I AM A SABRES FAN! DEAL WITH IT OLD MAN! My voice in the blogosphere is that of a FAN. Nothing more, nothing less! I have no desire to be a journalist or to provide INFORMATION or to BE FACTUAL. My blog is the voice of my fandom. SUCK IT, YOU FREAK!

Buzz Lightyear: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A FREAK, YOU UNEDUCATED, MOUTH-BREATHING WHORE! You CELEBRATE that you’re not a journalist, yet STILL insist on WRITING ABOUT A SPORTS TEAM? What are you DOING??

Schnookie: If you’ll allow me…

[Buzz Lightyear leans even more precariously toward the ModFan members of the panel, drawing his eye-rolling, spittle-flecked face even more uncomfortably close to the bloggers.]

Schnookie: Um, right. You ask what we’re doing? I think Katebits said it very clearly — blogging is the voice of fandom. Fans without access. It’s the same thing fans have been doing since the dawn of organized sports, getting together and talking about our favorite sports teams. If you climbed down out of your Ivory Pressbox once in a while to listen to what’s going on in the bleachers, you’d find the same things being said there as get written about in blogs.

Buzz Lightyear: WHY ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME, YOU FUCKING IGNORANT PISSANT? JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN SPEAK DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD.

Blob Costas: (laughing nervously) Okay Buzz, I think we get the idea… Heheh. I think it’s fair to mention that Buzz and I are of the old school, having grown up in this profession writing for newspapers–

Buzz Lightyear: (cutting Blob off) NEWSPAPERS ARE THE ONLY OUTLET FOR A REAL MAN’S IDEAS ABOUT SPORTS. WHAT WOULD YOU MISERABLE TURDS KNOW ABOUT THAT? W.C. HEINZ DIDN’T WRITE FOR A BLOG! HE WROTE FOR A NEWSPAPER, AND NOW NO ONE FUCKING CARES ABOUT INTEGRITY, HONOR, OR THE TRUTH ANYMORE. YOU CAN’T WRITE MALICIOUS LIES AND PETTY SMEAR CAMPAIGNS IN NEWSPAPERS! WHICH IS WHY YOU SMALL-MINDED COCKSUCKERS WOULDN’T EVER CUT IT IN THAT WORLD. INSTEAD, YOU ALL WANT TO DESTROY HEINZ’S LIVELIHOOD. YOU FUCKING EVIL WITCHES.

Blob Costas: I think what Buzz is trying to say is that newspapers are tragically not being read anymore. Highly scientific studies have proven that no one under the age of 50 reads newspapers anymore. A timeless, venerable keystone of civilization is being destroyed by the “Internet”. (Did I say that right? “Internet”? What a funny word. What does it mean?)

Pookie: This “the internet is killing newspapers” garbage is making me weary. Sports journalists aren’t going to lose their jobs because the internet is seducing young people to its world-wide-webby ways. If they lose their jobs it’s because they’re not writing content people want to read. The fact is, newspapers are still being read online. The same articles that appear in print appear online. Just because I do not pay for a pile of newsprint each morning doesn’t mean I don’t still read the contents of the NY Times. There’s a movement in library science called FRBR (pronounced “ferber”) which calls for a way of thinking that prioritizes the concept of the work over the physical iteration of the work (for example: if you are looking for Beethoven’s 9th, you’ll find information on the symphony itself before you find listings for each individual performance that has been recorded and published). If this debate of sports journalism vs. blogging is ever going to accomplish something we need to FRBRize the debate and cease focusing on the format of the work and start focusing on the content being created.

Buzz Lightyear: FRBR? What does that stand for — Fucking Retarded Blogging Retards? You bloggers insult people! That’s DESPICABLE! You fucking retarded blogging retard!

Pookie: [stunned silence]

Buzz Lightyear: Heh, that was great! [To assistant off-camera] Did you write that down? Good, good. I’m going to put in my next book. [To Pookie] It’s going to be published. On paper. [Leans back in chair and crosses arms smugly.]

[Blob leans in to give Buzz a high-five.]

Blob Costas: Before we end our conversation, I would like to take a moment to read something that appears on YOUR blog, Katebits. [takes out a piece of paper and begins reading] Viagara fifteen dollars a pill! Paris Hilton naked. ONLINE POKER Lindsey Lohan. TITS TITS TITS. I MADE $100,000 working at home. [puts paper down and addresses Katebits] Katebits, how do you respond to this? This is the kind of worthless and cruel drivel that gives bloggers a bad name! How do you respond?!

Katebits: [totally confused] Um….I…did not write that. Those….are comments. Actually, those are spam comments. At the end of every post, readers are invited to post responses. Sometimes spam sneaks through the cracks.

Blob Costas: But this is what appears ATTACHED to your work! IT’S ON THE SAME SCREEN AS YOUR WORDS.

Katebits: Yes, but…I didn’t write that. Judging blogs based on comments is like judging a play based on the audience memb-

Blob Costas: [interrupting] Well, that’s all the time we have! Remember not all blogs are bad, some are actually quite good, but most are totally spreading lies and cruelty! [waving at camera and smiling] See you next week! Bye now!

The End

Drew Stafford: International Man of Mystery

Katebits: Max Afinogenov is totally a Russian spy. I bet he has a Morse Code transmitter disguised as an old tattered suitcase, and he transmits top secret information while on road trips with the Sabres.

Pookie: I think Staffy is secretly the undercover MI5 agent sent to keep tabs on Max.

Schnookie: It’s the only explanation for how Staffy kept his job this season. BURN!

Katebits: Oh come on! Staffy wasn’t THAT bad…..well, okay. He was putrid. He’s gotta be a spy.

Pookie: Staffy has the boorish American act down pat but then at night he goes back to his cookie cutter suburban townhouse, pulls the “Heroes Of Heavy Metal” off his shelf, which triggers the secret passageway to the basement where he sends his Morse Code reports while wearing a black turtleneck and a tweed coat. He’s secretly living a John LeCarre novel. Tinker, Tailor, Staffy, Spy: The Staffy Stafford Story. Or, more likely, it plays out like this:

Indiana Jones: Staffy is a master of disguise. He’s halfway to Cairo now. You’ll never find him!

[Cut to Staffy standing in the middle of a crowded Egyptian marketplace in skin-tight leopard-print pants, a cut-off t-shirt, and a white hard hat.]

Pookie: “My name is Spy. Staff Spy. I mean, Staffy. Staffy Spyford. No, wait, I’m not a spy! My name is Spy Staffspy. No, wait! Dammit!”

Schnookie: He’d be there in the crowd, totally lost, shouting, “Does anyone here know where I can find a restaurant that serves food without sauces or coatings?”

Pookie: “Oh, and no dates!”

Katebits: “I’M AN AMERICAN! I NEED SOME NON-GROSS FOOD!”

Schnookie: He is SUCH a subtle international superspy.

Pookie: “DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN DROP THIS TOP SECRET MICROFILM?!”

Katebits: “I NEED A HIDEOUT AND A NEW PASSPORT! DOES ANYONE KNOW A GOOD PLACE TO HIDE?”

Schnookie: “AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY LEOPARD-PRINT HEAD BANDAGE, I’M CONCUSSED. I CAN’T REMEMBER THE DROP SPOT, AND I CAN’T REMEMBER MY SECRET CODE-IN PASSKEY TO ASK HQ FOR HELP. CAN ANYBODY LEND ME A HAND? ANYBODY?”

Pookie: “I NEED TO CALL THE LONDON UNDERCOVER OFFICE! DOES ANYONE HAVE A CELL PHONE SO I CAN DIAL +55-1-790-333-5050?”

Schnookie: Poor Staffy StaffSpy. He’s just so inept! No wonder Max keeps getting away.

Katebits: Staffy Staffspy is, like, the worst spy ever.

“MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IS 567-49-7239 AND MY MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME IS STAFFINA! I NEED A NEW CREDIT CARD! DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN GET CREDIT?!”

Pookie: “I WAS NEVER GOOD AT READING MAPS OR FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS. IS THERE ANYONE HERE WHO COULD READ THESE SECRET INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE HOME OFFICE AND THEN LOOK AT THIS TOP SECRET MAP TO POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF THE STOLEN CACHE OF MISSILES?”

Schnookie: “I ALSO HAVE A WRIST MADE OF PORCELAIN. IS THERE ANYONE HERE COULD HELP ME OUT BY CARRYING THIS ATTACHE CASE FILLED WITH NON-SEQUENTIAL, UNMARKED HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILLS?”

Pookie: “DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE NONDESCRIPT CAFE IS WHERE I’M SUPPOSED TO MEET THE 5-STAR GENERAL OF THE RED ARMY WHO’S SELLING MISSILE DEFENSE SECRETS TO THE BRITISH?”

Katebits: “DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND A HOOKER? I’M BORED.”

Sorry, that one was a little off the mark.

Schnookie: It’s amazing Staffy’s gotten this far in life at all.

Round One Round-up Round Table: EC Edition

Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Ottawa Senators

Pookie: This gets the top score thanks to Ottawa getting swept. It would have been funnier if popular opinion hadn’t caught up, in the second half of the season, to how bad the Sens actually were after the first five weeks or so of the season. But the “great team or greatest team” hype from those first few weeks remained so fresh in everyone’s minds that this sweep was manna from heaven to bitter fans like myself. 5 pennants out of 5

Katebits: Deeeeelightful. 5 pennants out of 5

Schnookie: My only regret about this series is that it was scheduled so I couldn’t ever watch it. Whose great idea was it to deny Devils fans the opportunity to soak up the Schadenfreude that was the completion of the Sens’ epic collapse? Did the schedulers forget that we lost to the Sens last year, too? Bastards. 4 1/2 out of 5 pennants

Patty (in Dallas): I didn’t get to see much of this one, either, since I was trying to follow the Devils. I know I’m the only one, but I was feeling kind of sorry for Ottawa. I don’t hate them and I felt bad for Spezza and Heatley. I never trust a team that comes screaming out of the gate like that, though. It almost never lasts. I’m happy for Sid, too. 2 pennants out of 5

Heather B: Ottawa re-signed all their free agents to huge contracts, committed to keeping their juggernaut of a top line together, and entered the season with almost the same team that played in the Cup Finals last year. And they still won exactly the same number of playoff games as the Sabres who didn’t qualify to play in the postseason. Well done, Ottawa. That’s a very special kind of collapse. 4 pennants out of 5

Montreal Canadiens vs. Boston Bruins

Pookie: This series was BO-ring! And had the added annoyance of the fact that neither team showed me any reason to love them. Or even just like them more than the other. Or even just care enough to learn the players’ names. I’m also giving the shifty eyes at Habs fans. First it’s stealing “Ole, Ole” from Team Brasil. Then it’s singing “Hey Hey, Na Na, Goodbye” in Game 1 and justifying it by saying “It’s just tradition against Boston.” I’m sorry, but “Hey Hey, Na Na” in Game 1 is NEVER tradition! Finally, it’s rioting after Round 1. Obviously, they’ve got some pacing issues up there. It’s a marathon, kids, not a sprint. 1 pennant out of 5

Katebits:

A game-by-game summary:

G1: Go Habs!
G2: Go Habs!
G3: The Bruins are admirably pesky
G4: The Habs are kinda overrated.
G5: Really, Habs? That’s it?
G6: I don’t need this crap….Go Bruins?
G7: Damnit!

Now I’m lost and confused and I don’t know what to think. -8 pennants out of 5

Schnookie: Whose idea was it to schedule this series so I could see almost all of it? There were not two teams I cared less about in the playoffs than Montreal and Boston, and after seven games, I still don’t care. Note to the Canadiens: if you need seven games to beat the Bruins, you are NOT the juggernaut I’m looking for. 0 pennants out of 5

Patty (in Dallas): Again, the EC series just kind of wander past me. I had very little feeling about this one, but I kind of like Montreal because they wrapped up Mike Ribiero in a pretty bow and gave him to us as a gift. 3 pennants out of 5

Heather B: I love Montreal’s crazy, maniacal crowd. I love the singing, the taunting, the chanting, and as long as there’s no one hurt I even secretly love the rioting after the first round. I think Buffalo’s standards are a little higher at this point but come on. We all know if the Sabres (or Bills) ever win a championship you may as well kiss your family, hug your friends, and dance into the night to celebrate because Buffalo will not be standing by the time the sun comes up. 5 pennants out of 5

Washington Capitals vs. Philadelphia Flyers

Pookie: Game 7 going into OT? That warrants at least an automatic 3 pennant rating. Anything more I cannot say for fear of getting my Devils fan membership card and kit revoked. 4 pennants out of 5

Katebits: I’m just glad it’s over. 5 pennants out of 5

Schnookie: I secretly loved, loved, loved this series. It had awesome hockey, huge momentum shifts, rocking buildings, the Flyers Comcast announcers, and, um… well, as a Devils fan I feel I should stop myself now before publicly admitting that I was happy with the outcome. 5 pennants out of 5

Patty (in Dallas): I’m happy the Flyers moved on. I still like Derian Hatcher (I know, I know) and I was really happy that Joffrey Lupul got a little love. The Oiler fans just roasted him for his one season there and then Hatcher tried to kill him. It’s nice to see he’s okay. 3 pennants out of 5

Heather B: I was cheering for the Flyers and Danny Briere and quite frankly, starting to worry for my safety and sanity but I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a one round fling. I was only using them to get rid of the Caps and Alexander Ovechkin both of whom I found less endearing the more people told me I was supposed to love them which happened a lot. Zip it, Versus. I’ll love who I want! 5 pennants out of 5

New Jersey Devils vs. New York Rangers

Pookie: Let’s just pretend this one never happened, shall we? Thanks. 0 pennants out of 5

Katebits: The Devils are not good at hockey, and the Rangers are not good at not being loathsome. This was just a bad scene. 1 pennant out of 5

Schnookie: This was the single least pleasant playoff series I have ever had the misfortune of suffering through. And the Devils lost, to boot. It was so bad that I’ve been touch-and-go about whether I have the energy left to watch the rest of the playoffs at all. THANKS A LOT, Hockey Gods. I’m going to be emotionally damaged by this one for years to come. -10 billion pennants out of 5

Patty (in Dallas): I hated to see what this series did to Schnookie and Pookie. Poor Devils, struggling against the Rangers. And poor All of the World for having to watch Sean Avery lower our beloved sport to his level. I hope he has a career-ending injury while he’s an intern at Vogue. 0 pennants out of 5

Heather B: I missed a few games in this series but for the record, I can’t think of a single situation where I wouldn’t take Marty Brodeur over Sean Avery. If I need to build a hockey team, I’m taking Brodeur. If I need a date for a boring, dress-up event, I’m taking Brodeur. If I need a babysitter in a pinch, I’m taking Brodeur. If I need someone to help me move, I’m taking Brodeur. In the battle of good vs. evil, I always go with the fatso. 2 pennants out of 5

Round One Round-Up Round Table: WC Edition

Detroit Red Wings vs. Nashville Predators

Pookie: Nashville put up enough of a fight to make it interesting and their fans almost suggested that the title of “Feel Good Story” was being wasted in Washington. Those wacky two quick goals get my vote for the most exciting moment of the First Round, and when you add in the Arnott goal celebration concussion, well this Devils fan can’t resist! Good times! 4 pennants out of 5

Katebits: I thought I didn’t care at all about this series….but then that crazy Lidstrom goal broke my heart. Sometimes you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone. 4 pennants out of 5

Schnookie: This seemed like just another boring Red Wings playoff series until Nashville’s fans turned out to be awesomely awesome. After a year spent hearing how laughably craptacular a hockey city it was supposed to be, they really showed the superior hockey media, didn’t they? Of course, two great games do not a series make. Sorry, Nashville. 3 pennants out of 5

Patty (in Dallas): I knew I was going to root for Nashville because I always want Detroit to lose. But the Preds actually grew on me with their raucous fans and their spunkiness. And I thought the catfish somebody threw on the ice was charming. When Detroit fans throw octupi, it’s just hackneyed. Still, the Wings advance, so maybe I should remove a pennant. 4 pennants out of 5

Heather B: R.I.P. JP Dumont’s playoff beard. The world is a sadder, less colorful place without you. I’m glad this series ended when it did because I was starting to develop a crush on Jordin Tootoo and that was destined to end messy. Still, I did love hearing Vince Gill do the anthems and I was pleasantly surprised by Nashville’s kicky crowds especially after the off-season they had. I’m glad they were able to make the series interesting. 4 pennants out of 5

San Jose Sharks vs. Calgary Flames

Pookie: I know this went to Game 7 and the series had all kinds of zany lead changes and come from behind wins but… It was the Habs/Bruins of the West. When you find yourself sitting in front of a Playoff Game 7 giving yourself a pep talk about how dammit you will find this game fun, you know you’ve got a problem. 1 pennant out of 5

Katebits: I loved this one! It was a three ring circus of mental fragility, bad defense, and sketchy coaching. Plus, Cujo! 5 pennants out of 5

Schnookie: I had a really hard time liking either of these teams. I found myself reveling in Flames goals, and then thinking, “Aw CRAP! Now the Flames are winning!” But at the same time, the Sharks just leave me cold. On paper, I enjoyed this series. But the enjoyment of a series isn’t played on paper, and in my real-life heart? I never really engaged. 2 1/2 pennants out of 5

Patty (in Dallas): By the time this series was over, I didn’t care who won. I think we can beat either team. I don’t look forward to Jeremy Roenick being all over my TV screen for a whole series, but I’ve been toughened up by six games in a row with Pronger and Bertuzzi waltzing all over the place. 2 pennants out of 5

Heather B: This series was less about who played the best and more about who avoided screwing up the worst in the end. Both teams were a mess and the Sharks are getting destroyed in the next round unless they show up a totally different team. And dude, San Jose, I tried to tell you about Brian Campbell. That’s not him struggling, that’s just how he plays defense. On the positive side, I’m totally in love with Calgary’s crowd. They’re unbelievable. 3 pennants out of 5.

Minnesota Wild vs. Colorado Avalanche

Pookie: This one held great promise with the first few games, the fabulous fans (Montreal — you could learn a lot from M-I-N-N-E-S-O-T-A on how to be lovably enthusiastic) and the carefree OT finishes. But then, for the last few, I sorta forgot this one was even going on. 2 pennants out of 5

Katebits: This series was equal parts boring, thrilling, and annoying. 3 out of 5

Schnookie: Hey! If we could combine the amazing energy of the games in Minnesota with the amazing energy of the games from Nashville in the Preds/Wings series, we’d have the most fantastically lovable, thrilling first-round winner. I’d call them the Predawild. Or the Wildators. And it would be IMPOSSIBLE not to cheer for them. 2 pennants out of 5

Patty (in Dallas): Didn’t really care about this one, except that I was glad Colorado won so that I could relax about meeting Detroit in the next round. Still, I hate the Avs, and Peter Forsberg needs to retire already. I wish I had seen the game where the Wild fans sang. I missed that. 1 pennant out of 5

Heather B: I watched about five minutes of this series. I didn’t really get attached to any of the players and this series always seemed to be on opposite one I really cared about which is too bad because I did intend to fall in love with Mikko Koivu since I already love Saku. Better luck next time, Minnesota. 0 pennants out of 5

Dallas Stars vs. Anaheim Ducks

Pookie: This series is what Playoff hockey is all about. Good triumphing over evil; GM’s foolish mistakes costing the team; poor leadership being exposed; scrappy teams taking advantage of their opponent’s miscues; vindication for a deserving goalie; the loathsome defending champs going out with a whimper. That’s RAWK! 10 pennants out of 5

Katebits: This series lost an entire pennant due to the confusing black and white color schemes of the jerseys involved. I couldn’t keep track of which team was wearing the black jerseys from night to night. Other than that? Perfection. 4 out of 5

Schnookie:THIS is what I want a playoff series to be like. There is NOTHING I would have changed about it, except, as Katebits points out, the unis. 5 pennants out of 5

Patty (in Dallas): The hugely overrated Ducks vs. the “limping through March” Stars and the Ducks looked like crap and the Stars looked awesome. The Ducks tried to play the bully game “that won them the Cup” and all they really did was traipse to and from the penalty box. The last minute of Game 6, in front of the home crowd, after we had given up the first goal, and had scored three goals in the third, with Chris Pronger in the penalty box, and Mike Modano with the puck on his stick, looking at an empty net, was my favorite hockey moment in YEARS. Eleventy-billion pennants out of 5

Heather B: Despite the danger of cheering for Dallas while living in Buffalo, I really do like this Stars team and I enjoyed watching them dismantle the defending champ Ducks. I think the Stars were the best team in the first round so I’m curious to see how they play the Sharks. I hope they win in a delightfully embarrassing fashion. Two thumbs up for Marty Turco who I’ve always liked and who just gets more adorable every time I see him. 4 pennants out of 5

Welcome to ModFan!

Welcome, Gentle Reader, to the Modular Fan, aka ModFan! In the 1940’s, Le Corbusier designed a system of proportions called “The Modular Man“; if all buildings were designed using this system, he claimed, human beings would find architecture perfect. We are here to create, in rambling blog form, a Modular Man for hockey fandom. And by that, we mean a blog that is driven by nothing more than the whims of five hockey fans as they see the season through. Those five hockey fans are: Heather B. of Top Shelf, Katebits of The Willful Caboose, Patty (in Dallas) of Penalty Killing, Pookie of Interchangeable Parts, and Schnookie also of Interchangeable Parts. Strewn across the country, with differing rooting interests at heart, and with varying years under the hockey-fan belt, the bloggers of ModFan will … uh… um… take you on a magical journey of ….heartwarming hockey related anecdotes….and, uh, other hockeyish things.

Soupy Soup

From Game 3 of the Sharks/Flames series:

Katebits: I think the Sharks are getting nervous! It’s time for a Soupy blunder!

Pookie: Have you noticed Soupy’s hair is the same color as the trim on the Sharks sweaters? It’s like two monstrosities were made for each other!

Katebits: I have to admit, Soupy looks good in a Sharks sweater. Not “hot” good, but definitely “matchy” good.

Heather B.: Soupy definitely doesn’t have a good track record during those nervous times.

Patty: That would be so sweet if Soupy’s blunder got it tied. Then the Sharks began their collapse.

Heather B.: And then Soupy will sit at his phone waiting for the Sharks to call with his 18-year 30-billion-dollar contract and he’ll wait and wait and wait…

Patty: And his wedding dress will get all dusty and cobwebby.

Schnookie: Soupy’s going to be this year’s Souray, but mixed in with some Mike Peca. He’s going to have his agent issuing statements every few days saying, “Soupy’s still available, but he’s TOTALLY turned down GIANT offers from the following teams…”

Heather B.: After talking to andrew, I’m totally thrilled. Either Soupy’s going to ask the Sharks for a huge deal and they’re going to laugh and point at Joe’s three year extension OR he’s going to cave and sign with them for three years and Buffalo’s going to go batshit insane with anger and fury because he and his agent sneered at Darcy’s three year offer. Both options will be VERY amusing.

Katebits: I want Soupy to sign with the Blue Jackets or something! No Sharks! I want his team to be CRIPPLED by his contract.

Heather B.: Oooh, the Blue Jackets would be good! Then he really will cease to exist because everyone knows no one but Rick Nash plays there.

Schnookie: Oh, and if he signs with the Blue Jackets, Ken Hitchcock will LITERALLY kill him.

And I’m ever so impressed by Soupy’s great work as a defensive mentor! I love the CBC announcers saying Ron Wilson has got to be wondering when Soupy’s going to show up in this series. I figure Wilson’s weighing his options and figuring an invisible Soupy is better than the kind of damage Soupy’s really capable of inflicting.

Heather B.: Yeah, NO KIDDING. These guys should be praying that Soupy stays invisible. Last time he was noticeable in Buffalo he was a -12 over the course of three games.

Schnookie: Don’t tempt Soupy! He can top that -12 in three games!

Patty: Woo hoo! The spin-o-rama!

Schnookie: That was the BESTEST spin-o-rama EVER. I can just imagine the dull look on dimbulb Soupy’s face as he slowly realizes he no longer has the puck after putting on his UNSTOPPABLE patented move. Hey, jackass — CHIP THE FUCKING PUCK OFF THE GLASS.

Pookie: I think if that spin-o-rama had led to an empty netter the rest of the playoffs would suck. This is a marathon, not a sprint. We can’t waste all our schadenfruede in one week!

Schnookie: You’re so right. We need to pace ourselves.

Katebits: You are TOTALLY right.

Save this feeling, ladies! Store it up! HOCKEY RAAAAAWKS!

Cheering For The Flyers? Say It Ain’t So!

Katebits: I had an amazing revelation about the Caps/Flyers series. I hate both teams, and I want them both eliminated. I think the Caps are a way better team and are more likely to win another round if they advance. The Flyers on the other hand are pretty bad, and there’s NO WAY they could wind up winning the conference or something (right? right?). SO, I’m rooting for the Flyers in this round because they will SURELY be eliminated by whoever comes next.

Pookie: Katebits, that’s brilliant reasoning! In fact, it’s reasoning that I’m going adopt as my own! (I was starting to dance close to outright cheering for the Flyers watching today’s game. And that’s not a good idea.)

Katebits: The other great part of the plan is that we can viciously cheer against the Flyers in the next round. Just when they thought they had won our love, we can yank it cruelly away. We’ll cheer them on to victory only to CRUSH them in round two!

Schnookie: That’s a FANTASTIC rationale. Because you’re absolutely right — they won’t advance. (I’m tailoring my choices on who stands the best chance of beating the Rangers, though. I’m not sure. I feel like Montreal is ALLEGEDLY a juggernaut that wouldn’t break a sweat against them, but I didn’t like what I saw from them last night. And I know that the Rangers gave Pittsburgh fits this season. So I’m hard-pressed to pick my next opponent for the Rangers. I think I want them to get beaten by the juggernauty Caps from the second half of the season, but I hate those Caps almost as much… It’s just so DIFFICULT! Basically, I’m throwing up my hands, letting go and letting playoffs, and I’m living in the moment. GO FLYERS! Heh.)

Pookie: I think the Rangers would be capable of beating themselves after crushing the Devils. They’ll get all full of themselves (Gomez? Avery? Jagr? Never!) and expect their next opponent to be as crappy as the one they beat without breaking a sweat. (See: Senators, Ottawa v. Ducks, Anaheim.) Washington, Philadelphia, Montreal, Pittsburgh and Ottawa are all plenty capable of scoring at will. (Boston? No. Not as long as Julien’s around.) So we’ve got a really good chance of the team matching up against NY next round giving them a harder time then they were expecting. Also, whoever does match-up against them will surely set a game plan of shooting low and shooting a lot, thereby driving Devils fans everywhere to drink.

Schnookie: No worries there — I’m already drinking.

Heather B.: But… But… THE FLYERS?! No, I can’t do it. I can’t cheer for anyone in that series. I’m just going to close my eyes and refuse to look until it’s over.

I think pretty much everyone who will be left standing can beat the Rangers unless Lundqvist goes nuts. And even then I don’t think they have it.

Katebits: I’m not cheering FOR the Flyers, I’m cheering AGAINST the Caps, who are a FAR FAR bigger threat to make a serious run, in my opinion. (It’s not savory, but it’s what must be done.)

Schnookie: Exactly. It’s the same as it was for me in the SCF last year (and the WCF) — I’m cheering for the more venal team’s opponent. It’s a small step up from just cheering against the Caps, to be fair, but I’m not sitting here hoping for vast Flyer success.

Heather B.: But I want them both to looooooose. Why can’t they just both lose?

I will admit that I’m a little scared of this series because, deep in my heart, I like and miss Danny Briere. I’m afraid if I watch it at all, I’ll end up cheering for him especially if I’m rooting AGAINST the Caps. I don’t want to be the girl who cheers for Danny!

Schnookie: You wouldn’t be that girl! You’d be the girl who, out of necessity, is cheering for that guy on the Flyers whom you don’t entirely hate, as he endeavors to pull an upset against a team you hate. There’s a big difference!

Pookie: Heather, why don’t you try to channel Marty Brodeur and say, “I don’t worry about Danny Briere because he’s not a Sabre anymore.” Then look at the Flyers and go, “Hey, that Daniel Briere is quite the little player! I like the cut of his jib!”

Katebits: But Heather, as soon as the series is over, you can VICIOUSLY turn against him! There is NO WAY you’re going to want to keep cheering for the Flyers! They’re the freaking FLYERS!

Pookie: It’s like anti-cheering! You get their hopes up, you hold up proverbial signs for them to see cheering them on during skate around. Then next round, they’re there expecting your signs — and you won’t be there! It’s a beautiful, cunning, dastardly plot!

Katebits: I think making them think we love them and then doing a cruel about-face is WAY meaner than rooting against them from the beginning. This is psychological warfare.

Pookie: EXACTLY! It’s so cruel! It’s just what the Flyers deserve!

Heather B.: Okay, you’re right. I’m not cheering for Danny, former Sabre. I’m cheering for Briere, Caps killer. And when the Flyers move on I’ll cheer for Saku to Koivu his hobbit ass.

Pookie: [In the cheery tone of a dancer in a 50's musical] Now you’re getting it, Heather! Now you’re getting it! Yeeee-haw!

Heather B.: Is this where we break into a group song/dance number?

Katebits: Playoff Goggles!: The Musical

Pookie: The Overture is starting, but getting into the sad motif from “The Devils Getting Swept Theme”. Fortunately that motif is very short. It then segues into “The Undisciplined Penalty Waltz as performed by The Ducks Dancers”.

Heather B.: At the very end can we get Sweeney Todd on Pierre?

Pookie: You bet.

ModFan: The Musical

We recently discussed a major formatting plan for ModFan: sound effects.

POOKIE: Kate, in all seriousness, if we get in the habit of doing podcasts on IPB and ModFan, I was going to seriously ask you to record a little viola trill for us. Because that would be SO AWESOME.

PATTY: A viola trill in the podcasts would be great. We could each have a snippet, like when batters walk up to the plate. Or like Peter and the Wolf.

POOKIE: Ooh! I want to be the basoon!

KATEBITS: Ooooooh I LOVE the idea of a ModFan Peter and the Wolf! If you want, I can nerd out and get my friends to record a variety of sounds and then you guys can choose the one that best represents you.

SCHNOOKIE: IF I want???? IF????

KATEBITS: Oh, this is going to be so AWESOME! I’ll record a zillion little sounds and calls. Hee!

PATTY: I might have to at least talk to y’all on the phone. I’m not sure whether I want it to represent my voice or my personality. Neither is going to be very trill-y.

SCHNOOKIE The lady doth protest too much! I bet you’re the trilliest person in the world.

POOKIE: I am ALL ABOUT getting your friends to record personalized trills for us! Viola is my first favorite instrument but since that’s clearly taken, I’ll opt for my second favorite instrument — the french horn. Do you know any cool french hornists?

KATEBITS: My friend Dan plays the horn! Seriously, I’ve got all the orchestra instruments covered.

HEATHER: I want something big and booming! Yeah, yeah!

SCHNOOKIE: I want something that blows very hard. If you know what I mean.

PATTY: I’m afraid I do.

POOKIE: I was just about to say, “The blowhard should get the tuba.”

PATTY: Do you have any instruments that are indecisive and lazy?

KATEBITS: Um, well, that’s kind of the viola. The bassoon might work too. Or a bass drum. Heh. Someone should just be a bass drum.

POOKIE: If I can’t be a french horn I want to be the glockenspiel.

PATTY: Maybe I should be a clarinet. Or a harp! (Just kidding.)

KATEBITS: Perhaps you are a trombone, Heather? Patty, you seem kind of Marimba-y to me.

PATTY: Marimba?? Really? That’s so sweet of you to say!

SCHNOOKIE: I want the stomped harp!

KATEBITS: Patty, you should be a Marimba/clarinet/Harp playing “Twinkle twinkle little STARS”. Get it? Get it?

POOKIE: Ooh, Kate, can my trill be “Perpetual Motion” as played by the french horn?

KATEBITS: Gaaaasp! You’re TOTALLY getting Perpetual Motion Pookie!

KATEBITS: Actually, a harp gliss would be pretty funny for Schnookie.

POOKIE: Is that like one of those frilly scaley things? If so, that would be AWESOME.

SCHNOOKIE: You only say that because you’ve met me. Those who haven’t think I’m a delicate angel of refined comportment.

PATTY: What? You’re not??

SCHNOOKIE: Ummmmmmm…

KATEBITS: Yeah, a harp gliss is that sound they use to represent angels and other assorted heavenly things.

PATTY: We have to think of a song, too? You know, we could do the Marimba playing “Deep in the Heart of Texas”. I’d be last to be introduced, and when my trill came up, we’d all clap appropriately (”The STARS at night are big and bright,” clapclapclapclap) and that would signal the start of the show.

POOKIE: Patty, that’s such a great idea!

SCHNOOKIE: I love it! I’m all over that! (Only we’ll all shout our own teams’ names instead of STARS.)

PATTY: Well, then I get to shout something over your trill! When the harp starts up, I’ll say something snarky about Schnookie not really being an angel!

SCHNOOKIE: No one will believe you. I mean, between my angelic blog mien and the UNDENIABLE power of the trill, no amount of shouting will convince people I’m not an angel.

PATTY: Dammit! No fair!

HEATHER: And I will just BOOM BOOM BOOM my bass drum over all of you!

POOKIE: If you know what I mean… When you guys start saying stuff I don’t agree with, I’ll just start singing Perpetual Motion over you.

PATTY: It’ll be all sweet and classical sounds, with the word BEEYOTCH liberally peppered all over it.

KATEBITS: I love the idea of a harp gliss in direct conflict with all of us insulting each other. Why aren’t we famous yet?! Seriously! This is GOLD!