Katebits: Max Afinogenov is totally a Russian spy. I bet he has a Morse Code transmitter disguised as an old tattered suitcase, and he transmits top secret information while on road trips with the Sabres.
Pookie: I think Staffy is secretly the undercover MI5 agent sent to keep tabs on Max.
Schnookie: It’s the only explanation for how Staffy kept his job this season. BURN!
Katebits: Oh come on! Staffy wasn’t THAT bad…..well, okay. He was putrid. He’s gotta be a spy.
Pookie: Staffy has the boorish American act down pat but then at night he goes back to his cookie cutter suburban townhouse, pulls the “Heroes Of Heavy Metal” off his shelf, which triggers the secret passageway to the basement where he sends his Morse Code reports while wearing a black turtleneck and a tweed coat. He’s secretly living a John LeCarre novel. Tinker, Tailor, Staffy, Spy: The Staffy Stafford Story. Or, more likely, it plays out like this:
Indiana Jones: Staffy is a master of disguise. He’s halfway to Cairo now. You’ll never find him!
[Cut to Staffy standing in the middle of a crowded Egyptian marketplace in skin-tight leopard-print pants, a cut-off t-shirt, and a white hard hat.]
Pookie: “My name is Spy. Staff Spy. I mean, Staffy. Staffy Spyford. No, wait, I’m not a spy! My name is Spy Staffspy. No, wait! Dammit!”
Schnookie: He’d be there in the crowd, totally lost, shouting, “Does anyone here know where I can find a restaurant that serves food without sauces or coatings?”
Pookie: “Oh, and no dates!”
Katebits: “I’M AN AMERICAN! I NEED SOME NON-GROSS FOOD!”
Schnookie: He is SUCH a subtle international superspy.
Pookie: “DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN DROP THIS TOP SECRET MICROFILM?!”
Katebits: “I NEED A HIDEOUT AND A NEW PASSPORT! DOES ANYONE KNOW A GOOD PLACE TO HIDE?”
Schnookie: “AS YOU CAN TELL FROM MY LEOPARD-PRINT HEAD BANDAGE, I’M CONCUSSED. I CAN’T REMEMBER THE DROP SPOT, AND I CAN’T REMEMBER MY SECRET CODE-IN PASSKEY TO ASK HQ FOR HELP. CAN ANYBODY LEND ME A HAND? ANYBODY?”
Pookie: “I NEED TO CALL THE LONDON UNDERCOVER OFFICE! DOES ANYONE HAVE A CELL PHONE SO I CAN DIAL +55-1-790-333-5050?”
Schnookie: Poor Staffy StaffSpy. He’s just so inept! No wonder Max keeps getting away.
Katebits: Staffy Staffspy is, like, the worst spy ever.
“MY SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER IS 567-49-7239 AND MY MOTHER’S MAIDEN NAME IS STAFFINA! I NEED A NEW CREDIT CARD! DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN GET CREDIT?!”
Pookie: “I WAS NEVER GOOD AT READING MAPS OR FOLLOWING DIRECTIONS. IS THERE ANYONE HERE WHO COULD READ THESE SECRET INSTRUCTIONS FROM THE HOME OFFICE AND THEN LOOK AT THIS TOP SECRET MAP TO POINT ME IN THE DIRECTION OF THE STOLEN CACHE OF MISSILES?”
Schnookie: “I ALSO HAVE A WRIST MADE OF PORCELAIN. IS THERE ANYONE HERE COULD HELP ME OUT BY CARRYING THIS ATTACHE CASE FILLED WITH NON-SEQUENTIAL, UNMARKED HUNDRED-DOLLAR BILLS?”
Pookie: “DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE THE NONDESCRIPT CAFE IS WHERE I’M SUPPOSED TO MEET THE 5-STAR GENERAL OF THE RED ARMY WHO’S SELLING MISSILE DEFENSE SECRETS TO THE BRITISH?”
Katebits: “DOES ANYONE KNOW WHERE I CAN FIND A HOOKER? I’M BORED.”
Sorry, that one was a little off the mark.
Schnookie: It’s amazing Staffy’s gotten this far in life at all.
Oh. My. Stars. I bow down before the geniuses that thought up this scenario.
Staffy Spy or whatever his code name is makes Maxwell Smart look like a genius. Although Random Hooker might not be as cool as Agent 99.
Staffy just makes this all so easy. Actually, considering his openly-stated affinity for fake mustaches, I’m surprised we didn’t all realize he’s a superspy much earlier! :D
OK, ok, I know he’s been concussed a few (hundred) times in the last year, but he is NO Timmy Connelly. He may night remember how to play hockey, but he remembers how to play the guitar. Last I checked, Timmy had no knowledge of anything.
Oh, and the hooker thing is most excellent.
=)
I can’t decide whether Timmy would be an impossibly bad spy, or an impossibly good one. I mean, with his concussion history, he probably wouldn’t be able to remember a single state secret were he to fall into the wrong hands…
[...] I will direct your attention to ModFan, where the Ookies and I recently had a conversation about the top-secret spy skillz of Drew Stafford. (spoiler alert!) He’s not a very good [...]
Timmy would be a great spy! His brain is like a totally blank slate every morning when he wakes up. Or better yet, I bet he’s like that guy in Memento. He has no short term memory at all so he is very easily manipulated my Max Afinogenov. Now that I think about it, Timmy would make a better minion than a spy.
I can’t decide whether Timmy would be an impossibly bad spy, or an impossibly good one.
I’m convinced that Timmy is an evil alien bent on taking over the world, that’s WHY he’s injured, he’s relaying info to HQ. Although, it’s more likely he’s a world class secret agent bent on Drew Stafford’s destruction. However, it’s MOST probable that he’s a doofus who often forgets if he’s a hockey player who sleeps with a lot of girls or a pimp who occasionally plays hockey.
Wait! I have it…. Drew needs a hooker, and Timmy’s a Pimp! Perfect union!
Like Amy, I bow down to your creativity. After a long night at the dance studio, this put a HUGE smile on my face!
I can totally picture Staffy in his fake ’stache with the ends coming unglued just to make his failure as a spy complete.
Oh and if he really needs a hooker, I’m sure Sean Avery can fix him up…=P
Wait! I have it…. Drew needs a hooker, and Timmy’s a Pimp! Perfect union!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! You’re so right!
I can totally picture Staffy in his fake ’stache with the ends coming unglued just to make his failure as a spy complete.
Oh, absolutely. Every time Max bests him, Staffy’s ’stache goes “SPROING!!!” and curls up on both ends.
MODFAAAAAN.
I have proof of you’re spy theory. Today, I was helping my brother pick out dress clothes at the mall, and I saw a “Stafford SuperSuit.” He needs to be careful where he keeps his SuperSuits lying around. People are already suspicious.
Aw man, Staffy’s always leaving his supersuits, and supercars, and superbriefcases everywhere!