To Stupidity and Beyond: Blob Costas Now

Recently on the HBO show “Costas Now” sports writer Buzz Bissinger created quite a storm by turning what could have been an interesting discussion about the emergence of sports blogging and its effect on sports journalism into a three-ring circus…with lots of swearing.

We here at ModFan watched the clip with horror and fascination. Aside from the total train wreck that was Bissinger, it was painful to watch poor Will Leitch (founder of Deadspin) struggle to get a comprehensible word in edgewise against an angry panel. In his defense, he appeared totally blindsided by the wrath of Bissinger. Then there was Costas! He was initially unable to control Buzz, and when things finally settled down, all he managed to bring to the conversation was an inability to distinguish a “blog post” from a “blog comment”. The whole thing was quite insane.

Here at Modfan, we love talking about blogs and how they are portrayed in the mainstream media. It’s, like, our favorite topic ever. So, with the benefit of hindsight, and the unmitigated gall to cast ourselves as the representative of all “sports bloggers”, we have decided to rewrite the entire clip.

This is how the conversation would have gone had WE been the bloggers on the panel.

The role of Bob Costas will be played by Blob Costas, the role of Buzz Bissinger will be portrayed by Buzz Lightyear, and the role of “blogger” will be portrayed by members of ModFan.

***********

[Video montage of pasty, nerdy bloggers in a basement, hunched over their computer keyboards.]

Blob Costas voiceover: Blogs are the unstoppable wave of the future. Anyone can start one. ANYONE! They provide instant access to stats, news, and gossip. What do blogs have to offer? There are some great blogs out there, but often blogs are mean, unpleasant, and poorly written with lots of lies and typos. It’s the Wild Wild West! Only with computers instead of guns! And sports instead of shit that really matters!

[End of montage. Cameras focus on a stage with the panel slouched in their chairs.]

Blob Costas: Welcome to our panel on blogging vs. journalism. Katebits, you’re a hockey blogger, how do you feel your blog contributes to the sports discourse?

Katebits: Well, Blob, I guess when I started blo-

Buzz Lightyear: (interrupting) I THINK YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT! HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF WC HEINZ?! WHAT ABOUT HEINZ?!

Katebits: Mr. Lightyear, I do not think this is the time or the place to discuss ketchup. If you must know, I prefer Hunts to Heinz, but if you want to discuss it further, we should do so off the air. I’m sure that Blob Costas does not want us ruining his show by getting into an argument about condiments.

Buzz Lightyear: AND YOU ADMIT YOU’RE BIASED TOWARDS THE SABRES! YOU’RE AN UNTALENTED, UGLY BITCH and a TERRIBLE JOURNALIST!

Katebits: Alright, that does it. Now you’ve gone too far. NOBODY CALLS ME A JOURNALIST! Yes, I am biased towards the Sabres. I AM A SABRES FAN! DEAL WITH IT OLD MAN! My voice in the blogosphere is that of a FAN. Nothing more, nothing less! I have no desire to be a journalist or to provide INFORMATION or to BE FACTUAL. My blog is the voice of my fandom. SUCK IT, YOU FREAK!

Buzz Lightyear: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A FREAK, YOU UNEDUCATED, MOUTH-BREATHING WHORE! You CELEBRATE that you’re not a journalist, yet STILL insist on WRITING ABOUT A SPORTS TEAM? What are you DOING??

Schnookie: If you’ll allow me…

[Buzz Lightyear leans even more precariously toward the ModFan members of the panel, drawing his eye-rolling, spittle-flecked face even more uncomfortably close to the bloggers.]

Schnookie: Um, right. You ask what we’re doing? I think Katebits said it very clearly — blogging is the voice of fandom. Fans without access. It’s the same thing fans have been doing since the dawn of organized sports, getting together and talking about our favorite sports teams. If you climbed down out of your Ivory Pressbox once in a while to listen to what’s going on in the bleachers, you’d find the same things being said there as get written about in blogs.

Buzz Lightyear: WHY ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME, YOU FUCKING IGNORANT PISSANT? JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN SPEAK DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD.

Blob Costas: (laughing nervously) Okay Buzz, I think we get the idea… Heheh. I think it’s fair to mention that Buzz and I are of the old school, having grown up in this profession writing for newspapers–

Buzz Lightyear: (cutting Blob off) NEWSPAPERS ARE THE ONLY OUTLET FOR A REAL MAN’S IDEAS ABOUT SPORTS. WHAT WOULD YOU MISERABLE TURDS KNOW ABOUT THAT? W.C. HEINZ DIDN’T WRITE FOR A BLOG! HE WROTE FOR A NEWSPAPER, AND NOW NO ONE FUCKING CARES ABOUT INTEGRITY, HONOR, OR THE TRUTH ANYMORE. YOU CAN’T WRITE MALICIOUS LIES AND PETTY SMEAR CAMPAIGNS IN NEWSPAPERS! WHICH IS WHY YOU SMALL-MINDED COCKSUCKERS WOULDN’T EVER CUT IT IN THAT WORLD. INSTEAD, YOU ALL WANT TO DESTROY HEINZ’S LIVELIHOOD. YOU FUCKING EVIL WITCHES.

Blob Costas: I think what Buzz is trying to say is that newspapers are tragically not being read anymore. Highly scientific studies have proven that no one under the age of 50 reads newspapers anymore. A timeless, venerable keystone of civilization is being destroyed by the “Internet”. (Did I say that right? “Internet”? What a funny word. What does it mean?)

Pookie: This “the internet is killing newspapers” garbage is making me weary. Sports journalists aren’t going to lose their jobs because the internet is seducing young people to its world-wide-webby ways. If they lose their jobs it’s because they’re not writing content people want to read. The fact is, newspapers are still being read online. The same articles that appear in print appear online. Just because I do not pay for a pile of newsprint each morning doesn’t mean I don’t still read the contents of the NY Times. There’s a movement in library science called FRBR (pronounced “ferber”) which calls for a way of thinking that prioritizes the concept of the work over the physical iteration of the work (for example: if you are looking for Beethoven’s 9th, you’ll find information on the symphony itself before you find listings for each individual performance that has been recorded and published). If this debate of sports journalism vs. blogging is ever going to accomplish something we need to FRBRize the debate and cease focusing on the format of the work and start focusing on the content being created.

Buzz Lightyear: FRBR? What does that stand for — Fucking Retarded Blogging Retards? You bloggers insult people! That’s DESPICABLE! You fucking retarded blogging retard!

Pookie: [stunned silence]

Buzz Lightyear: Heh, that was great! [To assistant off-camera] Did you write that down? Good, good. I’m going to put in my next book. [To Pookie] It’s going to be published. On paper. [Leans back in chair and crosses arms smugly.]

[Blob leans in to give Buzz a high-five.]

Blob Costas: Before we end our conversation, I would like to take a moment to read something that appears on YOUR blog, Katebits. [takes out a piece of paper and begins reading] Viagara fifteen dollars a pill! Paris Hilton naked. ONLINE POKER Lindsey Lohan. TITS TITS TITS. I MADE $100,000 working at home. [puts paper down and addresses Katebits] Katebits, how do you respond to this? This is the kind of worthless and cruel drivel that gives bloggers a bad name! How do you respond?!

Katebits: [totally confused] Um….I…did not write that. Those….are comments. Actually, those are spam comments. At the end of every post, readers are invited to post responses. Sometimes spam sneaks through the cracks.

Blob Costas: But this is what appears ATTACHED to your work! IT’S ON THE SAME SCREEN AS YOUR WORDS.

Katebits: Yes, but…I didn’t write that. Judging blogs based on comments is like judging a play based on the audience memb-

Blob Costas: [interrupting] Well, that’s all the time we have! Remember not all blogs are bad, some are actually quite good, but most are totally spreading lies and cruelty! [waving at camera and smiling] See you next week! Bye now!

The End