HANDS OFF!
I didn’t want to have to write anything about Pando, and I was kind of assuming Lou would have wrapped him up by now. But as July 1 creeps ever closer…
*Fights back tears*
Okay, let me put it this way: if Pando isn’t a Devil for the rest of his career, I think my heart will literally break. It will be cleaved asunder. What GM wants to be responsible for that?
Posted in Central Scouting | 3 Comments »
I am not a statbitty person by nature. However, I decided I should probably be responsible and look up some statbits before writing this post. My first stop was Behind The Net but they seem only to provide wacky stats like “GAA on Nights with 3/4 Moons Where Two or Fewer Players on the Other Team have Names that Start with M”. Next up was the Stat Machine on NHL.com which provided me with a bar graph comparing the number of Theodore’s wins to the number of saves he recorded all season. Gosh! When you compare 28 to 1,367, the wins look really insignificant! Gah! That’s when I gave up. Fortunately you don’t need any specific statbits to look at Theodore’s role in the UFA market this summer.
This is because GMs are going to do the same thing GMs have done since the dawn of time. They’re going to see a goalie with a name they recognize. “Oh ho,” they’ll say, “I’ve heard of him! And look! His statbits this year were much better than in the last few years where he looked to be almost finished… I know! I’ll sign him to a long-term deal because surely his commitment to better statbits this past year is indicative of him getting back to the form he had years before the lock-out!” And this is when I will shake my fists at the sky shouting, “WHY DON’T GMS UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF CONTRACT YEARS?!” Seriously, people, every year big-name washed-up superstars net big, long-term deals on the strength of long-ago success and one year’s worth of contract-driven numbers. If GMs stopped looking at statbits for one minute, and looked logically at the big picture, Jose Theodore would be this summer’s Andrew Raycroft. Of course, how delicious would it be if the GMs look so small picture that Theodore’s post-season performance makes him this summer’s Curtis Jospeh?
Posted in Central Scouting | 7 Comments »
Katebits recently asked the ModFan panel whether she should hope for the Sabres to pursue Mike Commodore on this season’s free-agent market. This is my scouting report on what he’d bring to the table in Buffalo:
I think Mikey C really relishes the whole “being treated like a king” thing, so maybe he’s perfect for Buffalo! He’s sort of like Soupy’s good twin (in that Soupy is his evil twin) — both have red hair, both are defensively suspect defensemen, both like the night life. But Mikey C’s a hands-of-cement stay-at-home guy while Soupy’s a disaster-prone jump-into-the-play All-Star; Mikey C’s charmingly self-deprecating and honest about his limitations while Soupy’s a self-aggrandizing nitwit; Mikey C’s the world’s most lovable drunk while Soupy’s sweaty and disgusting; Mikey C is actually interesting about how he can talk for hours with anyone about anything while Soupy’s allegedly a chatterbox, but is really just a complete fucking moron; Mikey C is really intelligent while Soupy is a retard. The Sabres have finished with one side of the red-headed d-man coin — why not take a shot with the flip side?
Posted in Central Scouting | 11 Comments »
Five Things That Made Me Say, “Geez, Hockey SUCKS!”
1. The Sabres Missed the Playoffs
I whipped myself into a total frenzy defending management and the players who were still left here. Yeah, yeah, we lost two big pieces of the puzzle. But we have SO much talent left! Of COURSE the Sabres are going to make the playoffs! They’re too good not to! They’re going to be so tired of talking about the guys who left that they’re going to come out guns a-blazing! They’ll DRAG themselves to the postseason if they have to. Well. Those little bastards had other plans. Instead of busting ass and proving everyone wrong they decided they’d rather try to coast and were dizzingly inconsistent, winning 8-1 one night and losing 15-2 the next, beating very good teams and then collapsing against crappy teams.
2. The Buffalo News Columnists Think I’m an Idiot
I really like both of the Sabres beat writers a lot and I think Sabres Edge, TBN’s hockey blog, is one of the best things the paper has done in the last few years. But this season the columnists hit a new level of shrill, irrational hysteria. Listen, I understand people were upset about losing Drury and Briere and it was certainly newsworthy… in October, maybe November. But to still be pounding that drum in March? When there was plenty to criticize on the ice? Ridiculous. To ignore the players still wearing Buffalo uniforms while endlessly slurping – and defending the poor play of – players no longer in Buffalo uniforms? Stupid. To act like those two players are sacred cows who should be treated like Legends of Buffalo even though other players who have been here longer weren’t given any special treatment upon their return? Also stupid. I feel like we spent the entire season talking about what happened this summer in negotiations that none of us were privy to while completely ignoring what was going on on the ice. And what happens on the ice is kind of why I watch hockey. And worst of all, the columnists consistently wrote with an attitude that anyone who didn’t agree with them has a pea brain. We don’t UNDERSTAND how things really work and we don’t GET IT. I get it. You guys think you’re smarter than me, you’re talking down to me and I don’t have to listen to it.
3. The Brian Campbell Show
Being a Sabres fan can be tough because management is very tight-lipped. We can disregard most rumors about what the team is going to do because no one on the inside talks. But if that saves us from things like this year’s Brian Campbell saga, well thank God for it. Every single step of negotiations between Campbell and the Sabres was made public either by “a source close to the negotiations” (i.e. Campbell’s agent) or Campbell himself. And while there were moments where I did genuinely feel a little sad for Campbell and how emotional the process probably was there came a point where I really just wanted him to shut up and play hockey because man alive, I don’t know what he was doing on the ice those last few weeks before the trade deadline but it didn’t have much to do with hockey. And it turns out Brian Campbell is the gift that keeps on giving since he couldn’t stop making idiotic statements about Buffalo and the Sabres organization even on the other side of the country. If the Sharks are THE BESTEST TEAM EVER! feel free to stay there, Brian.
4. Ryan Miller Wasn’t Very Good
I like Ryan Miller and I do hope he signs a long-term contract with Buffalo but he wasn’t very good this year even if you give him a pass for the last couple of months when he was clearly gassed. In a season where a lot of guys were adjusting to new roles on the team, Ryan needed to be much more consistent than he was. I’m still not sure what happened with him in shootouts this year. The goalie who had ice water in his veins and never flinched first last season suddenly looked foolish on a regular basis. Just a few more points in shootouts might have put the team over the hump and into the postseason. Hopefully it was just a blip on the screen of his NHL career.
5. The Boston Bruins
The Bruins are boring. The schedule says we only played them 8 times but each game felt like an eternity. They’re really boring. And trappy. And boring.
Five Things That Made Me Say, “I LOVE Hockey!”
1. Captain Jason Pominville
I came into this season with pretty neutral feelings about Jason Pominville. I thought he was a fine hockey player and I thought people who thought he was going to fall off the face of the earth without Briere at his side were overreacting. But I admit, I let the whole puck bunny thing sway me. He just seemed too cute and fluffy so I didn’t really take him that seriously. And he is cute and fluffy but you know what? He’s also really, really good at hockey. I feel like he grew up right in front of us this season. In a year where a lot of players seemed content to try and win on talent alone, Jason played hard every night. If he didn’t contribute on the point sheet, it wasn’t from a lack of trying. While almost everyone else flailed, Jason was steady and calm no matter what was going on around him. If you’d told me in October that he’d be wearing the C going into the end of the season I would’ve said you were nuts. But when he was wearing the C going into the end of the season it seemed like the most natural thing in the world.
2. Henrik Tallinder Scoring in the Shootout
The shootout is stupid, okay? It’s a ridiculous way to decide which team ends up with more points. But those of you who know me know I adore Henrik Tallinder. And while part of what I adore about him is that he’s a very unnoticed, underrated player, I really enjoyed watching him have his moment in the sun, especially since it was under such ridiculous circumstances. In addition to being inconsistent and annoying this year, the Sabres decided to blow chunks in shootouts. An unassuming stay-at-home d-man breaking that losing streak against a future Hall of Fame goalie was both hilarious and delightful. This picture was my wallpaper for a few weeks afterwards because I love how happy the players looked – seriously, just look at Jason Pomiville’s face – which was not something we saw enough of this season.
3. New Contracts for Jochen Hecht and Derek Roy
I think both of these contracts showed that management was paying attention last summer and realizing some of its mistakes. Based on the timing of the Jochen Hecht signing, the two sides must’ve started talking before the season – a full year before the Sabres have generally re-signed players in the past – and when the season started, the two sides kept talking until an agreement was made. With Derek Roy the Sabres made an effort to lock-up a young player into a reasonable long-term deal. Complaining about Drury and Briere was understandable at first but all that complaining isn’t going to bring them back. All any fan can really ask is for management to do things differently with players they want to keep moving forward and here it certainly seems like they did.
I think both contracts were also smart contracts. On a very young team, Jochen Hecht is a little bit older and more experienced. On a very offensive-minded team, he’s very strong defensively. On a team that’s prone to high-risk passes and moves, he’s more responsible and steady. Jochen will never be flashy and therefore probably never be noticed much outside of Buffalo – heck, I think he’s taken for granted IN Buffalo – but he’s a player that every team needs. And Derek Roy? Well, geez how good does his contract look already? His numbers have improved every year he’s been in the league, he’s showing a little more maturity on the ice, and he’s shaping up to be a very good two-way player who can play in every situation including short-handed. When people are seriously talking about Brian Campbell getting 8 million a year this summer, 4 million for five more years of Derek Roy looks pretty darn good.
4. A Stanley Cup Champion I Can Fully Embrace
Last season I pulled for the Ducks but mostly because they were playing the Senators who had just beaten us (badly) in the previous round. We’re not even going to talk about the season before that. This was the first season in a few years where I’ve really liked the team that lifted the Cup when it was all over. I enjoyed watching the Red Wings. I love Nicklas Lidstrom and how he’s quietly put together one of the best all-time careers. I love that Henrik Zetterberg and Pavel Datsyuk are both very good two-way players. I love that the team is so efficient at executing a game plan. And I love how they seem absolutely lacking in ego and self-importance.
5. Realizing the Sabres Aren’t That Far Away
While watching the playoffs this year, one thing became clear: The Eastern Conference isn’t very good. There are a lot of teams that have the potential to play well but no one team that shows up and consistently blows everyone else off the ice. The Flyers made the ECF for crying out loud! They’re good but are they that much better than Buffalo? I don’t think so. If Thomas Vanek and Derek Roy play an entire season like they played in the second half, if Ryan Miller plays more consistently, if management adds one or two physical players to the blueline, if the kids continue to get better, if they come out playing like they have something to prove after missing the playoffs…
Posted in Reflections | 3 Comments »
Five Things I Didn’t Love About this Season
5. The stubborn insistence by Versus and NBC to use Pierre McGuire and Mike Milbury for color analysis. Or whatever it is they were supposed to be doing. I’m not even sure.
4. Detroit won it all. This was my worst-case scenario for the Stanley Cup. I’m sure everybody was getting sick of my whining about it, but too bad. It was awful.
3. All of March. Schnookie and Pookie already knew that March was fraught with danger, but I just blithely waded into it thinking the Stars’ blazing February would just keep rolling. It was a record-breakingly terrible month.
2. Chris Pronger got away with (attempted) murder. He stomped on a Canuck’s foot with the razor-sharp blade of his skate — an act that got Chris Simon suspended for 30 games — and got suspended for eight games. And that was the League’s SECOND idea. The first plan was to call it an accident and hope nobody checked it out.
1. My beloved Philippe Boucher spent almost the whole season on the IR. First, he had surgery on a shoulder that was injured in the previous playoffs, then injured his other shoulder in his fourth game back. Then just a few games into this year’s playoffs, he tore a hip flexor. I know it just broke his heart not to be playing. I missed him terribly all year.
Five Things I Did Love About this Season
5. The Dallas Stars had the honor of sending the Ducks home in the first round of the playoffs. I just cannot overstate how satisfying that was.
4. I started my own blog. I was sure I’d give up on it after two or three posts. I wasn’t kidding about that at the time. I was sure. Now I’m pushing 200 posts and I am really looking forward to the summer when I can go nuts without having to work in a game recap every other day. Writing the blog has taught me a couple of things about myself. One, that I really do love the Stars. Maybe even more than I thought. And two, that I have my own style of writing and there’s just no sense in fighting it any more. One of the reasons I started it was to relieve my family and friends and co-workers of having to listen to me ramble about hockey, and for the most part it’s actually worked. Now I just ramble about blogging. I’ll let them tell you if that’s any better.
3. Hanging out at IPB all season was a special kind of fun. I never knew there were such intelligent and hilarious people out there that just wanted to talk about hockey with me. It was like being a new hockey fan again. It was new and exciting to talk about different teams and players and conferences. And gardens and knitting. And the MSM and turtles-of-affairs and Katamari and fake mustaches and movies and hockey.
2. I loved everybody on this team. Including the coaches. Including the GM that was fired and the two GMs that took his place. There have been many seasons where I’m highly annoyed by at least a player or two (Bill Guerin), or even downright infuriated (Claude Lemieux). But this year there weren’t any that I didn’t like. Every single player endeared himself to me in his own special way.
1. The Playoff Run. It probably doesn’t seem like a lot from the outside, but getting to the Western Conference Finals was a pretty big deal for us. We’d been beaten down by early exits for a long time and even when the Stars played great against Vancouver in the first round last season, they still lost. That, plus the nosedive in March, set the Stars up to be the underdogs in every series. Yet they knocked out the reprehensible Ducks, and kicked out the Cup-darling Sharks. Then, down three games to none against the hated Red Wings, they still didn’t give up — they got two more wins before losing to the eventual champs. I can’t wait to see if they can top that.
Posted in Reflections | 3 Comments »
Five Things I Loved About The ‘07-’08 NHL Season:
1. The way Pando’s season was going before he got injured. For a couple of glorious months before suffering a debilitating shifted-bits injury, Jay Pandolfo was a bona fide scoring threat. He was a beast! I didn’t care that it was contract-year witchery making it happen — life had never been so grand for PandoNation, and his unprecedented scoring tear was capped off with an honest-to-goodness hat trick. From Pando! Seriously! It doesn’t even seem real now. Man, those were good times.
2. Our road trip. We went on a week-long hockey road trip in October, hitting Buffalo for a Sabres/Leafs game, then swinging to Pittsburgh for Devils/Pens, then back to Buffalo again for Sabres/Blue Jackets. I’d talk all schlockily about how much fun we had meeting up for the first time in person with Katebits and Heather, but I’m trying to stick with hockey for my list of five here. And the thing is that hockey road trips are always fun, but this one featured two of the wildest games of the year (and one dreadfully dull trapfest, even by Devils-fan standards) and a helter-skelter itinerary that had us racing from city to city at a frantic pace; it was a fantastic adventure for us, and stands as one of the highest high points of the year.
3. Cat carrier Zach. Even the most casual reader of IPB will know that Pookie and I are big into the elaborately-conceived fictional characters we spin for our favorite hockey players. The one who has most captured our flights of fancy is Zach Parise, and he’s become our favorite target for goofy mocking. During one mid-season game, Mike Rupp, Arron Asham, and David Clarkson were all in the penalty box — the three guys we’ve joked Zach employs as his henchmen. With none of them available to skate, and the game getting chippy, Pookie suddenly cracked that Zach would refuse to take the ice. This rapidly escalated into our imagining the coaching staff trying to push him off the bench, while a hysterical Zach digs in with his arms and legs on the boards and stanchion, stiff-limbed like a cat that refuses to get into its cat carrier. I don’t remember anything else about that game except that it was the hardest I laughed all season. And now all we have to do to crack each other up is hold our arms out in front of us like we’re frantically pushing against the boards; I frequently will crack myself up just thinking about it. Hockey’s all about the silly for me, and cat carrier Zach was as silly as it got this year.
4. The day the Devils first hit first place. The Devils started the season like such absolute, unheard-of poop that Jersey fans had to scramble to suddenly alter their expectations. After a decade and a half of excellence, the team was looking decidedly lottery-bound. But then something really strange happened — they reeled off nine straight wins while everyone else in the East managed to lose, and before we knew it, our underachieving, lousy, misbegotten team was — GASP! — in first place in the conference. Yeah, yeah, they didn’t hang on, and finished the season with a soul-killing whimper, but for a few delicious weeks, they gave us the opportunity to be giddy with regular-season excitement.
5. The Devils’ crazy-assed D-corps. There was never a single moment in the entire season where I had even a modicum of faith in the Devils eight-man (and then nine[!!!]-man) blue line, but you know what? I still loved those goofy kids. Most of them had no business being in the NHL, but even when it seemed like the back half of our roster was being held together by duct tape and baling wire, there was something hilariously ragtag about them. It was kind of a season-long experience not unlike the time our two ragdoll kittens pooped on my bed — I was literally spitting mad, but they were just too darn cute to stay mad at. In the long run, I wouldn’t mind if Sheldon Brookbank, Mike Mottau, Andy Greene, et al, will stop figuratively pooping in my bed, but still. They’re our crazy-assed D-corps! What can I do about it?
Five Things I Didn’t Love About the ‘07-’08 NHL Season:
1. The unbalanced schedule. I can trace almost every single thing I didn’t like about this hockey season back to the unbalanced schedule. It was the root of all Evil.
2. The shootout. I hit rock bottom this year with the shootout, and realized that, purely on account of the shootout, I’m a lot closer to not being an NHL fan at all than I’ve ever been. You know how sports fans will have stock reasons why they don’t watch a particular sport? Like, “Oh, I hate free throws, so I don’t watch the NBA”, or, “I hate the DH, so I don’t watch AL baseball”? I can see myself being a person who says, “I don’t watch the NHL because they have shootouts.” I really, really, really don’t want to be that person.
3. The Devils first-round matchup. I’m not getting into it again. Just… no.
4. Sid being hurt. I want my hockey seasons to be brimming with Sidness, not brimming with Ty Conklin!
5. My own bad attitude. I was a Cranky McCrankypants about pretty much everything all year, and my grouchiness finally reached a point where it was self-perpetuating. On the bright side, though, it’s something I can control, unlike Sid’s ankle sprains.
Posted in Reflections | 3 Comments »
Five Things I Loved About the Season
1. Paul Martin. I picked Paulie Martin as my favorite player based on the fact that he wasn’t too terrible the year before. We’d all accepted that he wasn’t going to be the next Niedermayer, or even the next half-way decent puck-carrying d-man that we really needed. But he wasn’t terrible so it seemed safe to pick him as a favorite. Then he went and had a truly fantastic season. He played tons of minutes, was completely unflappable in every situation, stepped almost seamlessly into the role of the #1 d-man, and showed a comfort level with when to rush and when not to. So he was called out by his own father on TV for not being able to finish; he still won our hearts and minds.
2. Tom Gulitti’s Fire and Ice blog. The Devils are such a tight-lipped organization that not only do we not hear about injuries or contract situations, we also don’t hear any fluff behind-the-scenes stuff. Until now. Gulitti brought beleaguered Devils fans into the light this season by including in his blog tidbits like Mike Rupp’s suggestion box, Paulie Martin’s heroics when a fire broke out in the Devils parking lot, and what the boys thought of the movies they saw with Marty Brodeur as part of his playoff pre-game ritual. These little glimpses into life in the dressing room brought Devils fans closer to the team for the first time in ages and made the season so much more fun.
3. Hockey in HD. We’ve been hearing for something like ten years that HD would save hockey as a televised sport. I remember sitting in the Devils premium-seat season ticket holder lounge something like eight or nine years ago and looking at the HD TV they had set up thinking, “That’s pretty cool, but it’s so far off!” Well, it’s here now, and it’s worth the wait. This was the first season I got to see more than a handful of games in HD. Now that I’ve had a taste of it, I don’t ever want to go back.
4. Road tripping. The season’s highlight for me was driving to Buffalo and Pittsburgh to meet new friends and see great hockey games (or rather, two good ones and one horrifically awful one). There’s nothing better than bidding work adieu for a week and living the life of a hockey vagabond, where one’s one obligation is getting to the rink on time. If anyone wishes to pay me to do this for a living… Just sayin’.
5. SportSquee’s “Fly On The Wall” series. Margee wrote a series of masterpieces this season that went beyond laugh-out-loud funny. But best of all, they reminded me how much better the season is when one takes the time to poke gentle fun at players on all the teams, not just one’s own.
Five Things I Found Annoying This Season
1. Shoot-Outs. This season pushed me to the brink with the goddamn shoot-out. Obviously I didn’t go over the edge about post-OT-shenanigans and didn’t forsake hockey altogether but this season I could see a day when it might come to that. It’s just that bad. I honestly didn’t think shoot-outs would last two years, and yet they’re still there. I know that time after time people have proven that the shoot-out and the 3rd point don’t change the standings, but the fact remains that perfectly hard-fought games are decided by a individual contest of super skills. It’s just wrong.
2. The unbalanced schedule. I could not have been more tired of seeing divisional rivals on the calendar this year. By the time the playoffs rolled around I just could not take one more game against the Rangers.
3. Niedermayer and Selanne unretiring. This nonsense of retired-or-not was such an unwelcome addition to the NHL world. It was annoying enough when NFLers and NBAers did it; I was hoping hockey would stay above that fray. That it’s looking more and more like a move by Burke to circumvent the cap doesn’t make it any more admirable.
4. Slim-fit sweaters. Mercifully the Devils dodged the total-redesign bullet, but the massive changes that did go down with other teams are enough to annoy me.
5. Discovering how little perspective fans have on rival fanbases. This was the season I read a Caps fan calling Sabres fans “classless” for stepping on a picture of Ovechkin. Honestly, what has the world come to?
Posted in Reflections | 5 Comments »
The dust has settled on the Stars/Sharks series, but before we launch into the Conference Final, we’d like to take a moment to think back to how ModFan saw the Sharks/Stars playoff future back in March.
At the time, the Stars were losing and losing and losing and the Sharks were winning and winning and winning. Patty was distraught, watching the Stars lose to the Canucks. This is an actual conversation where her ModFan pals tried to convince her that she should be glad the Stars were tanking. And it turned out they were right.
PATTY: The Stars are losing, just by the Sharks winning. There’s really no point in playing the rest of the games. They’re just fooling themselves.
POOKIE: Poor, poor Patty!
SCHNOOKIE: I’m sorry about the dumb Sharks, Patty. Don’t worry, though — they’re peaking too soon.
PATTY: I’d appreciate it if y’all could beat the Avs, because even though they seem far away from us now, when we’ve dropped to 8th, we’ll need them to have lost a few by then.
SCHNOOKIE: You’re NOT dropping to 8th! Don’t be ridiculous!
PATTY: They just couldn’t leave the team alone when they had everything going for it. I’m seriously thinking of skipping the next game.
SCHNOOKIE: They’re figuring their shit out! If Holmqvist hadn’t started, y’all would have won tonight!
PATTY: EXACTLY! If Smitty had started, we would have won tonight!
SCHNOOKIE: Why couldn’t Turco have started?
PATTY: Because they’re trying to work in a new guy! Tippett has to at least see him once. Just in case the unthinkable happens. But I guess now that Smitty’s gone, the plan is to just forfeit any games that Turco can’t play in. When Smitty was here, we had another goalie for just such an occasion.
POOKIE: Who are they playing next? I’m sure they’ll be fine! They need to lose a few now! You never, ever want your team going into the playoffs on a giant winning streak.
PATTY: Sorry to be such a whiner. I’ve feigned some doom and gloom before, but I’m really feeling it now.
SCHNOOKIE: Hey, don’t apologize for whining! That’s your first right as a sports fan! And as you well know, “Doom & Gloom” is the name of the game as far as I’m concerned.
POOKIE: Katamari your blues away!
PATTY: I’ll be fine. So what if we miss the playoffs! At least I won’t have to watch them get knocked out in the first round again.
SCHNOOKIE: Patty, you are SO not going to miss the playoffs. But really, some Katamari will definitely make you feel better!
KATEBITS: The Stars are going to be okay! They are just saving themselves for the playoffs. The Sharks are going to be so exhausted and feeling so entitled after this stupid run that they will fall flat on their stupid Soupy faces. And then we will laugh and cheer the Stars onto victory!
SCHNOOKIE: And Kate, you’re right — the Stars are doing the “snakes in the grass” approach to going into the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Sharks are preparing their annual disastrous humiliation, but this time they’re doing it with as high a profile as they can possibly put together. Could they be spelling out “GREEK TRAGEDY-SCALE COLLAPSE” any more clearly than they are right now? (And I am NOT kidding when I say I never trust a team that’s hot in March. The Penguins hold the all-time record for longest winning streak, something like 17 consecutive games. In March. In 1993. The year they did not successfully defend their back-to-back Stanley Cup championships. The Devils had something like a 15-game unbeaten streak in March of 2001. The year they did not successfully defend their Stanley Cup championship. You DON’T want to be super-hot in March, because EVERYONE knows, during the regular season, that prolonged winning streaks are always followed by a bit of a funk. A bit of a funk won’t kill you in, say, November. Or, in the Stars’ case, March. But it’s disaster in April. The Sharks are just setting themselves up for hilarious failure.)
POOKIE: Every single year the Sharks dupe everyone into picking them to come out of the West. Finally, though, we’re all wise to them and no one in their right mind would pick them this year. The Sharks figured that out and realized they had to up the ante to get everyone to bandwagon again. Their plan? Win every game from here on out. But the thing is — they’re still the Sharks.
Posted in Meaty Discussions | Leave a Comment »
The ModFan crew was having a tough time with the playoffs. The Devils went out in the first round to the Rangers, the Stars were trying to squander a 3-0 lead against the Sharks, and the Sabres… well, we all know what happened to them. This conversation took place Sunday morning before the elimination of two of ModFan’s least favorite teams and while we hope we’ve turned a corner, there’s no telling what the Hockey Gods have in store. Here’s how we turned our attitudes around.
HEATHER B: The playoffs are killing my soul. I can’t wait for hockey to be over. I know I’ll be sad in late July when it’s still months away but right now I want it gone.
PATTY: I was so depressed yesterday, I couldn’t get off the couch. I didn’t want to read about hockey, but I didn’t have anything else to do. I couldn’t make myself clean or work in the yard, or even go buy shit (which is usually how I handle it).
POOKIE: I have had little to no desire to read about hockey the last… oh say… three weeks. I’ve been obsessively reading gardening blogs instead. For some reason I’m seeing my level of disinterest reflected in what I’m reading in hockey blogs. I think I’m just projecting this self-fulfilling prophecy that the playoffs suck. It’s been making me sort of miserable. But no longer! Thank you, Playoff Goggles! You’ve saved my life!
HEATHER B: Even my freaking Playoff Goggles are broken! Montreal was an abusive and disastrous combination of last year’s Sabres (regular season juggernaut that drags itself painfully through the postseason) and this year’s Sabres (young, underachieving team). Thanks for nothing, Montreal.
SCHNOOKIE: Hey, I turned a corner with the playoffs yesterday! I’m having fun now! The Red Wings were superhot in their series with the Avs, Morrow and Brad Richards are cooing to my ovaries in the Stars series, I discovered Mike Richards was wearing Chuck Taylors in his ASG portrait (and I finally watched the Flyers videos of them playing with legos and doing the low ropes course during training camp, and let me tell you, there is NOTHING Jason Smith does that ISN’T smoking hott), and I adore Sid and Malkin. That’s a high ratio of things I like going on there! GO PLAYOFFS!
POOKIE: The Caps lost! The Sens were swept! Jagr is showing Shanny, Gomez, and Drury how to handle playoff hockey! Sid and Malkin are snakes in the grass ready to strike! The Stars are AWESOME! There is SO MUCH to be excited about!
HEATHER B: See, I’m not capable of looking at the big picture. I’m living day by day so right now the playoffs are “The Flyers – who were neck and neck with the Sabres almost all season – are in the ECF” and “Brian Campbell scored a dramatic game-tying goal against the Stars.”
I think part of my problem this year is the proliferation of prominent former Sabres who are still in. I’m trying to block out the noise from the media and other fans but it’s hard to ignore that Briere and Biron are in the ECF and Drury and Campbell are still playing. And don’t tell me that two of those guys are playing poorly because details like that don’t matter to Buffalo. They’re playing, we’re not, they would’ve saved our souls had they still been here. Drury and Campbell are likely still going out in this round but again, I just can’t see Big Picture enough to focus on that. I’m a mess.
I don’t know, everything everyone is saying makes perfect sense. I’m just having some kind of fan/blogger breakdown.
KATEBITS: Alright, Heather needs a carefrontation. Heather, I hear you, I really do. The ex-Sabres still playing are HORRIBLE especially since we just went through an ENTIRE season of being told by every media outlet that the Sabres are a depleted shell of their former self. My big thing is that I can’t continue to feel miserable about the Playoffs. I’m a lot less “THE PLAYOFFS ARE GREAT” than the Ookies, but I am REFUSING the misery. I can only allow so much hockey related misery. I have reached my limit for the 2007-08 season. It’s stops here. I’ve drawn a line in the sand.
SCHNOOKIE: I actually had to work very hard to get to the happy place I’m in now. The motivating force for me was that I was tired of listening to myself complain about the playoffs, and if I was tired of listening to myself, I can’t even imagine how awful it was for you guys to listen to me. I mean, they’re half over. They’re not going to suddenly get better without a little work on my part. I wasn’t ready to turn the hockey off, so it was kind of “fish or cut bait” time in my heart. Or something like that.
HEATHER: I’m convinced that the playoffs are going to end really horribly for some reason. It’s like I used up all my positive energy and optimism during the regular season. Now I got nothing.
KATEBITS: Heather, snap out of it! *SPLASH* How can we get you out of this funk? What do you need?
HEATHER B: Well, it’s been a long time since I’ve done this but I might need to play the Glad Game.
PATTY: How do you play, Heather? I’ll play it with you!
HEATHER B: The Glad Game is from Pollyanna. It’s a game that Pollyanna’s dad teaches her. In every situation you find something to be glad about. The harder it is, the more fun! Or so they claim. For example:
The situation: The Stars lost Game Five against the Sharks. I’m secretly a little glad that the Stars got screwed on a No Goal call. (Sorry, Patty. I have to grab onto the Glad wherever it is.)
KATEBITS: Oooh. Harsh, Heather. I’m glad that Soupy has sucked hard enough in the playoffs that no well managed team is going to give him the contract he wants, but that he has played well enough (see G5 tying goal) that some doomed-for-decades team is going to fork over the big bucks.
HEATHER B: GREAT point, Kate. I’m glad that Campbell has been in the playoffs long enough that he’s had plenty of time to say things that are so stupid and asinine that much of Buffalo has come around to being glad he’s gone.
PATTY: I’m glad that the Stars are in the second round. And that they’re still up on the Sharks. I’m (kind of) glad we didn’t sweep the Sharks because we would have been too high to take on the Wings in the next round.
HEATHER B: I’m glad Marty Biron is playing well because he’s a great guy who deserves all good things that come his way. I’m glad that a team the Sabres played so well in the regular season is going deep in the playoffs because it might mean that we’re not that far off from being in the same position.
POOKIE: I’m glad I watched the videos of the Flyers doing low-ropes in pre-season. Sami Kapanen can leap over a more-than-waist-height wire in a single bound! That’s so cool!
KATEBITS: Yay! *Pollyannaesque squealing* It’s working! It’s working!
SCHNOOKIE: The Rangers are my weak spot in my newfound “I like the playoffs” resolve, so let me think about some gladness.
*Thinks.
And thinks.
And thinks.
And thinks.*
Right. I’m glad that the fans at MSG get called out by the TV guys every time they boo the Rangers power play. And I’m glad that all those idiots are sitting there chanting “Jagr!” now after booing him mercilessly for the last three years. And I’m glad that Drury injured himself celebrating a non-goal. And if they win, they’ll do it without Avery.
PATTY: I’m glad that Shanahan is on the verge of retirement so I can start forgetting about the douche-iness and remember why I used to like him (he’s funny and he has great hair).
POOKIE: I’m glad that if the Rangers win the Cup it will be because Jagr got them there, not because they’re a young team built for long-term success.
HEATHER B: I’m glad because if the Rangers keep winning Jagr has a good chance of winning the Conn Smythe which automatically ups his contract with the Rangers (and indirectly the Caps) for another season.
SCHNOOKIE: Oooooohhh… I’m SO glad that if the Rangers win, it’ll be at the cost of another year of Jagr on their cap and on DC’s. I can almost see Sather telling the team to tank just so that doesn’t happen.
KATEBITS: Worst Case Scenario: Sharks vs. Rangers for the Cup. I’m glad it’s spring!
SCHNOOKIE: Yeah, Sharks v. Rangers for the Cup, Rangers winning? I’m glad it’s strawberry season, and my job has started Summer Fridays. And, um… yeah. That’s it. And I’m glad for the Curse of Beating Brodeur. I’m glad that the Devils only have to play the Rangers six times next year instead of eight.
HEATHER B: I’m glad these horrible, effin’ playoffs are almost half over.
SCHNOOKIE: Is it possible to lose the Glad Game?
POOKIE: Heather, you were doing so well there! Now the demons are back! They’re clawing at the wings of our Happiness Machine, threatening to ground it forever!
PATTY: Did Pollyanna imagine horrible situations and then try to be glad about them? Or did she just focus on what was actually happening? Tinkerbell’s starting to flag a little here.
HEATHER: Quick, refocus!
PATTY: I’m glad Brenden Morrow is broadcasting his studliness for all the world to see AFTER he signed a long-term deal for a reasonable amount of money.
POOKIE: That is hot!
KATEBITS: I am glad to have Brenden Morrow’s studliness in my life!
HEATHER B: I’m glad Marty Turco is still in and I’m glad for the opportunity to watch a great stick-handling, puck-controlling goalie.
KATE: I’m glad there is still PLENTY of time for all my hated teams/players to be horribly humiliated.
PATTY: I’m glad that Sid is in and Ovie is out.
KATEBITS: ME TOO!
SCHNOOKIE: ME THREE!!!
POOKIE: ME FOUR!!!!
HEATHER B: I am ALSO glad that Sid is in and Ovie is out. We have a unanimous glad! Somewhere a crippled child is walking again!
POOKIE: I think I see the Brink of Hockey Despair receding into the distance! I think our glad feelings are driving the demons away! It’s working, guys, it’s working!
HEATHER B: Wait.. Something weird is happening. I’m… smiling. And laughing. I’m glad! I’m really, really glad!
PATTY: YAY! *tosses Heather-colored confetti* We’re the Tinkerbell of the playoffs!
Posted in Uncategorized | 4 Comments »
Recently on the HBO show “Costas Now” sports writer Buzz Bissinger created quite a storm by turning what could have been an interesting discussion about the emergence of sports blogging and its effect on sports journalism into a three-ring circus…with lots of swearing.
We here at ModFan watched the clip with horror and fascination. Aside from the total train wreck that was Bissinger, it was painful to watch poor Will Leitch (founder of Deadspin) struggle to get a comprehensible word in edgewise against an angry panel. In his defense, he appeared totally blindsided by the wrath of Bissinger. Then there was Costas! He was initially unable to control Buzz, and when things finally settled down, all he managed to bring to the conversation was an inability to distinguish a “blog post” from a “blog comment”. The whole thing was quite insane.
Here at Modfan, we love talking about blogs and how they are portrayed in the mainstream media. It’s, like, our favorite topic ever. So, with the benefit of hindsight, and the unmitigated gall to cast ourselves as the representative of all “sports bloggers”, we have decided to rewrite the entire clip.
This is how the conversation would have gone had WE been the bloggers on the panel.
The role of Bob Costas will be played by Blob Costas, the role of Buzz Bissinger will be portrayed by Buzz Lightyear, and the role of “blogger” will be portrayed by members of ModFan.
***********
[Video montage of pasty, nerdy bloggers in a basement, hunched over their computer keyboards.]
Blob Costas voiceover: Blogs are the unstoppable wave of the future. Anyone can start one. ANYONE! They provide instant access to stats, news, and gossip. What do blogs have to offer? There are some great blogs out there, but often blogs are mean, unpleasant, and poorly written with lots of lies and typos. It’s the Wild Wild West! Only with computers instead of guns! And sports instead of shit that really matters!
[End of montage. Cameras focus on a stage with the panel slouched in their chairs.]
Blob Costas: Welcome to our panel on blogging vs. journalism. Katebits, you’re a hockey blogger, how do you feel your blog contributes to the sports discourse?
Katebits: Well, Blob, I guess when I started blo-
Buzz Lightyear: (interrupting) I THINK YOU’RE FULL OF SHIT! HAVE YOU EVEN HEARD OF WC HEINZ?! WHAT ABOUT HEINZ?!
Katebits: Mr. Lightyear, I do not think this is the time or the place to discuss ketchup. If you must know, I prefer Hunts to Heinz, but if you want to discuss it further, we should do so off the air. I’m sure that Blob Costas does not want us ruining his show by getting into an argument about condiments.
Buzz Lightyear: AND YOU ADMIT YOU’RE BIASED TOWARDS THE SABRES! YOU’RE AN UNTALENTED, UGLY BITCH and a TERRIBLE JOURNALIST!
Katebits: Alright, that does it. Now you’ve gone too far. NOBODY CALLS ME A JOURNALIST! Yes, I am biased towards the Sabres. I AM A SABRES FAN! DEAL WITH IT OLD MAN! My voice in the blogosphere is that of a FAN. Nothing more, nothing less! I have no desire to be a journalist or to provide INFORMATION or to BE FACTUAL. My blog is the voice of my fandom. SUCK IT, YOU FREAK!
Buzz Lightyear: HOW DARE YOU CALL ME A FREAK, YOU UNEDUCATED, MOUTH-BREATHING WHORE! You CELEBRATE that you’re not a journalist, yet STILL insist on WRITING ABOUT A SPORTS TEAM? What are you DOING??
Schnookie: If you’ll allow me…
[Buzz Lightyear leans even more precariously toward the ModFan members of the panel, drawing his eye-rolling, spittle-flecked face even more uncomfortably close to the bloggers.]
Schnookie: Um, right. You ask what we’re doing? I think Katebits said it very clearly — blogging is the voice of fandom. Fans without access. It’s the same thing fans have been doing since the dawn of organized sports, getting together and talking about our favorite sports teams. If you climbed down out of your Ivory Pressbox once in a while to listen to what’s going on in the bleachers, you’d find the same things being said there as get written about in blogs.
Buzz Lightyear: WHY ARE YOU EVEN TALKING TO ME, YOU FUCKING IGNORANT PISSANT? JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN SPEAK DOESN’T MEAN YOU SHOULD.
Blob Costas: (laughing nervously) Okay Buzz, I think we get the idea… Heheh. I think it’s fair to mention that Buzz and I are of the old school, having grown up in this profession writing for newspapers–
Buzz Lightyear: (cutting Blob off) NEWSPAPERS ARE THE ONLY OUTLET FOR A REAL MAN’S IDEAS ABOUT SPORTS. WHAT WOULD YOU MISERABLE TURDS KNOW ABOUT THAT? W.C. HEINZ DIDN’T WRITE FOR A BLOG! HE WROTE FOR A NEWSPAPER, AND NOW NO ONE FUCKING CARES ABOUT INTEGRITY, HONOR, OR THE TRUTH ANYMORE. YOU CAN’T WRITE MALICIOUS LIES AND PETTY SMEAR CAMPAIGNS IN NEWSPAPERS! WHICH IS WHY YOU SMALL-MINDED COCKSUCKERS WOULDN’T EVER CUT IT IN THAT WORLD. INSTEAD, YOU ALL WANT TO DESTROY HEINZ’S LIVELIHOOD. YOU FUCKING EVIL WITCHES.
Blob Costas: I think what Buzz is trying to say is that newspapers are tragically not being read anymore. Highly scientific studies have proven that no one under the age of 50 reads newspapers anymore. A timeless, venerable keystone of civilization is being destroyed by the “Internet”. (Did I say that right? “Internet”? What a funny word. What does it mean?)
Pookie: This “the internet is killing newspapers” garbage is making me weary. Sports journalists aren’t going to lose their jobs because the internet is seducing young people to its world-wide-webby ways. If they lose their jobs it’s because they’re not writing content people want to read. The fact is, newspapers are still being read online. The same articles that appear in print appear online. Just because I do not pay for a pile of newsprint each morning doesn’t mean I don’t still read the contents of the NY Times. There’s a movement in library science called FRBR (pronounced “ferber”) which calls for a way of thinking that prioritizes the concept of the work over the physical iteration of the work (for example: if you are looking for Beethoven’s 9th, you’ll find information on the symphony itself before you find listings for each individual performance that has been recorded and published). If this debate of sports journalism vs. blogging is ever going to accomplish something we need to FRBRize the debate and cease focusing on the format of the work and start focusing on the content being created.
Buzz Lightyear: FRBR? What does that stand for — Fucking Retarded Blogging Retards? You bloggers insult people! That’s DESPICABLE! You fucking retarded blogging retard!
Pookie: [stunned silence]
Buzz Lightyear: Heh, that was great! [To assistant off-camera] Did you write that down? Good, good. I’m going to put in my next book. [To Pookie] It’s going to be published. On paper. [Leans back in chair and crosses arms smugly.]
[Blob leans in to give Buzz a high-five.]
Blob Costas: Before we end our conversation, I would like to take a moment to read something that appears on YOUR blog, Katebits. [takes out a piece of paper and begins reading] Viagara fifteen dollars a pill! Paris Hilton naked. ONLINE POKER Lindsey Lohan. TITS TITS TITS. I MADE $100,000 working at home. [puts paper down and addresses Katebits] Katebits, how do you respond to this? This is the kind of worthless and cruel drivel that gives bloggers a bad name! How do you respond?!
Katebits: [totally confused] Um….I…did not write that. Those….are comments. Actually, those are spam comments. At the end of every post, readers are invited to post responses. Sometimes spam sneaks through the cracks.
Blob Costas: But this is what appears ATTACHED to your work! IT’S ON THE SAME SCREEN AS YOUR WORDS.
Katebits: Yes, but…I didn’t write that. Judging blogs based on comments is like judging a play based on the audience memb-
Blob Costas: [interrupting] Well, that’s all the time we have! Remember not all blogs are bad, some are actually quite good, but most are totally spreading lies and cruelty! [waving at camera and smiling] See you next week! Bye now!
The End
Posted in Distinguished Panel | 8 Comments »
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