Archive for the ‘Meaty Discussions’ Category

The dust has settled on the Stars/Sharks series, but before we launch into the Conference Final, we’d like to take a moment to think back to how ModFan saw the Sharks/Stars playoff future back in March.

At the time, the Stars were losing and losing and losing and the Sharks were winning and winning and winning. Patty was distraught, watching the Stars lose to the Canucks. This is an actual conversation where her ModFan pals tried to convince her that she should be glad the Stars were tanking. And it turned out they were right.

PATTY: The Stars are losing, just by the Sharks winning. There’s really no point in playing the rest of the games. They’re just fooling themselves.

POOKIE: Poor, poor Patty!

SCHNOOKIE: I’m sorry about the dumb Sharks, Patty. Don’t worry, though — they’re peaking too soon.

PATTY: I’d appreciate it if y’all could beat the Avs, because even though they seem far away from us now, when we’ve dropped to 8th, we’ll need them to have lost a few by then.

SCHNOOKIE: You’re NOT dropping to 8th! Don’t be ridiculous!

PATTY: They just couldn’t leave the team alone when they had everything going for it. I’m seriously thinking of skipping the next game.

SCHNOOKIE: They’re figuring their shit out! If Holmqvist hadn’t started, y’all would have won tonight!

PATTY: EXACTLY! If Smitty had started, we would have won tonight!

SCHNOOKIE: Why couldn’t Turco have started?

PATTY: Because they’re trying to work in a new guy! Tippett has to at least see him once. Just in case the unthinkable happens. But I guess now that Smitty’s gone, the plan is to just forfeit any games that Turco can’t play in. When Smitty was here, we had another goalie for just such an occasion.

POOKIE: Who are they playing next? I’m sure they’ll be fine! They need to lose a few now! You never, ever want your team going into the playoffs on a giant winning streak.

PATTY: Sorry to be such a whiner. I’ve feigned some doom and gloom before, but I’m really feeling it now.

SCHNOOKIE: Hey, don’t apologize for whining! That’s your first right as a sports fan! And as you well know, “Doom & Gloom” is the name of the game as far as I’m concerned.

POOKIE: Katamari your blues away!

PATTY: I’ll be fine. So what if we miss the playoffs! At least I won’t have to watch them get knocked out in the first round again.

SCHNOOKIE: Patty, you are SO not going to miss the playoffs. But really, some Katamari will definitely make you feel better!

KATEBITS: The Stars are going to be okay! They are just saving themselves for the playoffs. The Sharks are going to be so exhausted and feeling so entitled after this stupid run that they will fall flat on their stupid Soupy faces. And then we will laugh and cheer the Stars onto victory!

SCHNOOKIE: And Kate, you’re right — the Stars are doing the “snakes in the grass” approach to going into the playoffs. Meanwhile, the Sharks are preparing their annual disastrous humiliation, but this time they’re doing it with as high a profile as they can possibly put together. Could they be spelling out “GREEK TRAGEDY-SCALE COLLAPSE” any more clearly than they are right now? (And I am NOT kidding when I say I never trust a team that’s hot in March. The Penguins hold the all-time record for longest winning streak, something like 17 consecutive games. In March. In 1993. The year they did not successfully defend their back-to-back Stanley Cup championships. The Devils had something like a 15-game unbeaten streak in March of 2001. The year they did not successfully defend their Stanley Cup championship. You DON’T want to be super-hot in March, because EVERYONE knows, during the regular season, that prolonged winning streaks are always followed by a bit of a funk. A bit of a funk won’t kill you in, say, November. Or, in the Stars’ case, March. But it’s disaster in April. The Sharks are just setting themselves up for hilarious failure.)

POOKIE: Every single year the Sharks dupe everyone into picking them to come out of the West. Finally, though, we’re all wise to them and no one in their right mind would pick them this year. The Sharks figured that out and realized they had to up the ante to get everyone to bandwagon again. Their plan? Win every game from here on out. But the thing is — they’re still the Sharks.

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HEATHER B.: For today and today only, I love John Buccigross. He did a “If we blew up the league and drafted from scratch, how would the draft go?” column and Ovechkin was number 5 behind Crosby, Lecavalier, Thornton, and Heatly. Ha-HA! (I’m pointing in my best Nelson Muntz impression.) (I’m also ignoring that he has the Sabres drafting Iginla for Drury-like leadership.)

Forget it. I kept reading and now I hate Bucci again which is as it should be.

SCHNOOKIE: I see now why you dumped Bucci by the end of his column, Heather. He really is a dipshit. And seriously, just because Detroit is willing to pay Rafalski $6 million a year until he’s 57 doesn’t mean it’s a good deal. Yes, it sucks that the market overvalues name-recognizable defensemen, but a smart GM has to realize that there is a limit to how much production you’re going to get out of one defensively-liable blueliner, and there is a limit to how much you can intelligently pay for that. I mean, I liked Raffie’s 40 points from our back end last year, but the overall quality of his play wasn’t worth the percentage of the salary cap that his UFA contract was going to eat up. In a perfect world he would have stayed a Devil, but a perfect world doesn’t have salary caps and doesn’t have desperate GMs who are working with budgetary constructs that are really different than my own team’s. I hate, hate, hate, hate, hate when people talk about free agent movement as if it’s happening in a vacuum, and as if it’s entirely in the hands of one GM.

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